Angry Ward Wednesday: The Best NBA Preview Ever from Sports Hell

“I could have sworn Sarah Palin said John McCain was a Maverick.”

Best NBA Preview Ever Meet_The_Matts
Best NBA Preview Ever: Tall Matt, Short Matt & Different Matt in new MSG seats.

NEW YORK, NY – Look, it’s been well-documented already, I’m in Sports Hell. The Red Sox and Cardinals are in the World Series, my Minnesota Vikings are absolutely hapless and will most likely spend their first round pick next year on their first alcoholic quarterback since Tommy Kramer (I’m talkin’ about you, Johnny Football), and the NHL now has a Metropolitan Division… good grief. One bright spot is that the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers beat those lousy Nebraska Cornhuskers last Saturday for the first time ever. Take that, Tom Osborne, you lousy score runner-upper.

Angry Ward
Angry Ward in Sports Hell

The only other thing really going on is the *sigh* beginning of the NBA season. Let’s take a moment to rub down the goosebumps… The beginning of the NBA season, much like the first three-and-a-half quarters of any NBA game, doesn’t mean a cotton pickin’ thing. Still, that’s not going to stop me from giving you a comprehensive preview (think a sentence or so) for every NBA team. Here we go…

Atlanta Hawks. The Atlanta State Legislature is currently debating whether the name “Hawks” is offensive to proud winged things everywhere. As for the team itself, they will only be slightly offensive this year.

Boston Celtics. The Celts traded a bunch of geezers to the Nets this summer for some draft picks and Kris Humphries and his soon-to-be-expiring celebrity. The Red Sox winning the World Series will go a long way in helping folks in Beantown not care about how much the Celtics suck this year.

Brooklyn Nets. I live in the Bronx and Brooklyn is in like another country. I’m sick of hearing about Brooklyn. Let’s move on.

Sarah PalinCharlotte Bobcats. Jalen Rose predicts that Michael Jordan will play for the Bobcats this year. I predict that if this happens, that will make one player I know on the Charlotte Bobcats. I’d also like to add that Charlotte Rampling was great in The Verdict.

Chicago Bulls. Derrick Rose is back and he reports that his vertical leap has improved by five inches. This will help him immensely during his weekly head lice checks on Joakim Noah.

Cleveland Cavaliers. I once visited the Museum of Rock n Roll in Cleveland and I think this year’s Cavs team will be slightly less boring.

Dallas Mavericks. I could have sworn Sarah Palin said John McCain was a Maverick. I just checked their roster and he’s nowhere to be found. Vince Carter and Monta Ellis are on it though, which is fairly hilarious.

Denver Nuggets. George Karl led the Nuggets to their most wins (57) since joining the NBA en route to winning NBA Coach of the Year honors. Then he got fired. Stay classy, Denver.

Detroit Pistons. Wake me up when Rick Mahorn and Vinnie “The Microwave” Johnson return.

Golden State Warriors. The Golden State Warriors are going to win it all this year… unless it’s Miami again, which it very well may be. Steph Curry and Co. are fun to watch. How many teams can you say that about?

Houston Rockets. Time will tell if the Rockets’ Tri Towers of Dwight Howard, Hakeem Olajuwon, and Ralph Sampson mesh well.

Indiana Pacers. The Indiana State Legislature is currently debating whether the team name Indiana is offensive to Indianans. And let’s just mention Rik Smits for the hell of it.

LA Clippers. I’m already running out of gas with this piece. Let’s move on.

LA Lakers. The Lakers are starting their season without Kobe Bryant for the first time in seven years. I am writing this column sober for the first time in five years.

Memphis Grizzlies. This doesn’t sound so much like a team as it does a reality show on A&E.

Miami Heat. You gotta love a team named after the weather in its city. Though I have still yet to experience a Red Storm in Queens.

Gary Shandling as larry sandersMilwaukee Bucks. Larry Sanders is a center on the Bucks. Hey, now!

Minnesota Timberwolves. It just keeps getting worse for Minnesota.

New Orleans Pelicans. If the New Orleans Pelicans don’t use the Scarface clip where Al Pacino points at a bunch of Flamingos and says “Manny look at the Pelican fly. Come on Pelican!,” I’ll be very, very disappointed.

New York Knicks. “We are New York and we love basketball. We’re gonna take it all. We are the New York Knicks!” The only thing the Knicks have taken all of in the last four decades is their fans’ hard-earned cash. Expect more of the same.

Oklahoma City Thunder.Felt the lightning. And we waited on the thunder. Waited on the thunderrrr. I woke last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered. Started humming a song from 1962…” Sorry, needed to get that Bob Seger bit in there for my friend the Cheese Man.

Orlando Magic. This is what happens when a team is created from the genetic swabs of Orlando Woolridge and Magic Johnson. When will David Stern stop playing God?

Philadelphia 76ers. It just keeps getting worse for Philly.

Phoenix Suns. Emeka Okafor is on the Suns? I was wondering what happened to that guy.

Portland Trail Blazers. I never really thought about it, but I kinda like the name Trail Blazers. In other news Greg Oden has taken his talents (getting injured all the time?) to South Beach.

Sacramento Kings. It really can’t get any worse for Sacramento.

San Antonio Spurs. Have you ever witnessed Spurs coach Gregg Popovich interviewed by TNT Dandy Craig Sager? They have a very special relationship indeed.

Toronto Raptors. The Raptors ball at the Air Canada Centre, eh? I don’t think I can write anything further until they get on board with the correct spelling of Center.

Utah Jazz. If it’s one thing Mormons love, it’s Jazz. You can’t drive around Salt Lake without hearing Miles or Diz or Charlie Parker blaring out of some car. Though don’t bring up so-called Smooth Jazz, which they believe to be an abomination before God.

Washington Wizards. At their home opener this Friday, the Wizards will induct master-illusionist Doug Henning into their Ring of Honor.

There you have it hoop heads. Pretty much everything you need to know about the upcoming season. No thanks necessary.

Suicidal Cardinals fan, Cam James, tomorrow.


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About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.