Angry Ward Wednesday: The Ice Bucket Challenge is Dead, Long Live the New Challenges!

Go ahead, piss your money away!

BRONX, NY – I think I speak for the masses when I say: Enough with the frogging ice bucket challenge already! At this point everyone from Mickey Rourke to Mark Zuckerberg has done it… and it’s getting a little annoying. Lady Gaga, Buck Showalter, Oprah Winfrey, Chris Christie, basically anyone with an instagram account, some amount of fame, and a video camera is getting in on the act. For those of you who have somehow managed to avoid this social media plague, it’s fairly simple: Someone challenges you to dump a bucket of ice water on your head or donate $100 to ALS (aka Lou Gehrig’s Disease) research within 24 hours of said challenge. And it’s amazing how many people don’t want to part with the hundred bucks. Actually, to be fair, quite a few people are doing both and a lot of money has been raised, but this stunt has already reached and exceeded saturation point (pun intended) days ago. There are even clips of those like Cris Carter who are ice bucket challenge challenged and can’t manage to dump a bucket of water over their own heads. Though Carter does get bonus points for missing his own skull and nailing Chris Berman’s gargantuan cranium instead. But, bottom line, can we be done with this already? In an effort to move things along I’d like to suggest the following new challenges.

Fast forward to the 2:40 mark:

The Bruce Jenner Challenge. Become famous by winning an Olympic gold medal or by marrying into a horrid family and turning yourself into a public joke.

The Josh Gordon Challenge. Try to go a day without smoking a joint or donate a year’s salary to some rich old white guy.

The Yankee Stadium Challenge. Go without food or water 24 hours prior to attending a New York Yankees game, bring $100 in cash to the stadium, and try not to drop dead by the fourth inning.

The Donald Sterling Challenge. In this one you go to a Magic Johnson Movie theater in Harlem, see some mindless action movie like The Expendables 3, sit in the back row and shout out Donald Sterling’s thoughts on minorities at the top of your lungs.

The “The” Challenge. In which every single NFL player is given a year free of drug tests if they can somehow avoid referring to their alma mater as “The” Ohio State University, “The” Slippery Rock University, etc. I seriously can’t stand this crap. Sincerely, The Angry Ward of The Meet the Matts.

Go ahead, piss your money away!
Go ahead, piss your money away!

The Elin Nordegren Challenge. Marry an egomaniacal multimillionare professional athlete and try to act surprised when he sleeps with 69% of the nominees for the AVN Awards as well as some scuzzy cocktail waitresses. (Ed. note: On looking up the spelling of Elin Nordegren’s name, I see that just this weekend she reportedly split with billionaire coal magnate boyfriend Christopher Cline (22 years her senior) and fled for the Hamptons. Just a heads up to all of those aging deep-pocketed MtM readers.)

The Wilpon Challenge. Pay for Mets season tickets, we dare you.

The Quick Change Challenge. Watch this Bill Murray NYC classic more times than me (hint, it’s a lot) and be prepared to answer trivia questions. Winner gets drinks… on management, of course.

I also challenge you to come back tomorrow for Fake Sandy Alderson, a bit of a challenge himself.

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About Angry Ward 742 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.