DJ Eberle has abandoned his post today, thanks to scoring some tickets to watch the Rex Ryan era begin in Buffalo with a survivor-pool busting upset over the Colts, so I’ve drawn another holiday post. Happy Rosh Hashanah!
Fire Island–It was a holiday weekend no matter the Jewish calendar, as the Society Papers were abuzz with the event of the century, the nuptials of Short Matt and his lovely bride, the now Mrs. Short Matt. Forgive me for still being a little hung over and confused…the last thing I remember commenting on here was that I’d be going to the wedding as Angry Ward’s plus one. It’s all pretty hazy after that, as the MTM jet picked me up and plied me with complimentary cocktails all the way back to JFK, then there was the open bar on the ferryboat over…and now the ceremony, reception, and first Sunday of the NFL has all become blurred together. Let me piece it out…
It was a ceremony and reception that is sure to go down in Mattville lore, as only Matt would choose the opening weekend of the NFL for his destination wedding. All the Matts were Groomsmen: Tall, Different, Replacement, Stinky, Fat, and Welcome. Welcome was a nice surprise, and received a warm…reception. He always complained about being walked all over during his time writing for the site in the mid-nineties, so it was nice to see him back. He also always had a crush on Sportsbabe Lori Levine and secretly hoped that the romantic setting would work to get her to notice him…and it did, when she convinced him to be her podium as she delivered a ten minute roast routine that was bluer than the groom’s wedding tux. Grote2DMax couldn’t make it, but Larry King could! He was seated at a table with Sofia Vergara, Rex O’Rourke, and Korak the Gorilla, which nearly got ugly when that crazy old Larry confused him with Ernest Borgnine and demanded the $10 he lent him back in 1966.
At one point Fireman Ed returned to the fold and sacked Johnny Manziel three times. Pete Carroll had this day circled on his calendar since the end of the Super Bowl, ready to ride Marshawn Lynch all the way to the end this time…but they got stopped midfield to the wedding in St. Louis. Drew Brees was supposed to be there, but ever since his date Jimmy Graham broke up with him he just hasn’t found the same chemistry with anybody else yet. The wedding itself was nice, though at the end Tom Coughlin interrupted things by pounding on the glass in back, shouting “Elaine, Elaine!” To the surprise of all, the Dallas Cowboys were so moved by the plea that they decided to give Sunday Night’s game to the Giants. The Giants raced out the door and stuck a cross in the handles to aid in their getaway…but, in addition to some very questionable clock management here at the end of the wedding, they didn’t realize that they were pocket doors, and Tony Romo slid them open without problem and marched all they way through at the last minute to take the win away from them before they could get on the bus.
The new Mr. and Mrs. Short Matt were well into their celebratory kiss, however, and didn’t notice or mind the commotion. Congratulations you crazy kids! Next week we’ll hear all about the honeymoon, in which Scott Boras offers Kendra one million dollars to sleep with Matt.