NEW YORK, NY – I know it’s still another couple of weeks until the official beginning of Autumn, but so what? As far as I’m concerned Summer is over, done, kaput. Sure we all had fun going to the beach, hitting the pool, barbecuing, etc., but, seriously, fack this Summer! In New York, and surrounding areas, it was one giant scorched lawn with intense money-sucking activities and the corresponding intestinal bloat. Get the hell out of here, Summer; take your heat and sweat and everyone’s annoying Facebook vacation photos and jump into an active volcano on some remote, uninhabitable island. It’s time to usher in the bestest season of all, Fall. If you live in New York, as I do, Fall is the main reason you stick around. It’s far and away the most glorious time of the year to be in the Metropolitan area. If not for Fall, the Big Apple would be nothing more than hot exhaust, black slush, and a 20 gallon bag full of Bill De Blasio brainfarts. Fall is also when sports takes center stage. Here’s a quick preview.
Baseball. The fabulous ReplaceMets™ are somehow holding it together for a frantic fall run, despite losing half their lineup to yet another zombie plague. They are chasing the Cardinals, a team and fan base as reprehensible as any in baseball. Have you ever been to St. Louis? I have, and I would rather watch a 700 Club marathon than spend another weekend in that bland, boring burg. It’s a town where hot wings at Hooters is considered a gourmet meal and a giant upside-down U is the must-see tourist attraction. The Mets must catch St. Louis and save us all from the pasty-faced red scourge. As for the rest of baseball? Who cares? It’s all about vanquishing the Cards and burning that city to the ground.
Basketball. The 2016-2017 NBA season tips off in late October and apparently the New York Knicks are a Super Team! Woo hoo! What a turnaround! The Zen Master has done it again. Yet, they still have to play the games, so we’ll see if they really are out of this world or merely a team of future building superintendents. On the other coast, the Golden State Warriors have a clear bullseye on their collective backs. Even if they don’t mesh, Draymond Green will be holding a season-long audition for NFL teams desperate for kicking help.
Hockey. I have no idea what to expect from the upcoming hockey season except that neither the New York Rangers or Minnesota Wild will win the Cup, the Washington Capitals will choke in the playoffs, and Islander fans will work themselves into a senseless lather once again. I’m also gonna go out on a limb and say that this year a team from Canada will make the playoffs.
Football. This is what it’s all about, right? The gridiron. Three yards and a cloud of dust. Win one for The Gipper! CTEs for everyone! Despite my better judgement, I still love football. Only now I watch a whole lot less. There are so many games, you’d be nuts to waste an entire Autumn weekend in front of the tube. I’ll get out to see Columbia University play (none dare call it football) at least once this year, probably go to one or two Giants games, watch a handful of compelling college games when they pop up, and do my best to limit my Sunday viewing to a manageable number of hours. Like last year, I’ll probably skip most Monday and Thursday night football. Anyway, Notre Dame already lost so there’s one thing ticked off my checklist. Ha! Hope the Giants aren’t as awful as they appeared in preseason and that my Vikes fare better than most are predicting after losing their QB.
Most of all, looking forward to being alive and enjoying another awesome Autumn in New York with my friends and family… and, yes, seeing the Cardinals destroyed.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who I keep forgetting is the regular Thursday guy.