Angry Ward Wednesday: Keeping Up With The NFL Free Agency, The NHL Playoffs and The Kardashians

BRONX, NY – A miserable rainy Tuesday night (Eddie Rabbitt didn’t know what the hell he was talking about) and time to get cranking on the Wednesday edition of Meet The Matts. The good thing about writing about sports is there’s always something to talk about… though it can get a tad repetitious. You know what I mean. “Owners are greedy bastards and Mike Francesa is a raging anti-semite.” (Phil Mushnick) “Another awesome bat flip!!! Boom shacka-lacka!” (ESPN) “Buffalo Good.” (DJ Eberle). Of course, I’m more guilty of rehashing yesterday’s garbage and turning it into Cream of Crap Soup than anyone… so one more time won’t kill anyone. Let’s go!

Adrian Peterson is no Saint. Wait… yes he is! For those of you who hadn’t heard, or rightly don’t give a f**k, longtime Minnesota Vikings all-everything running back Adrian Peterson has signed with the New Orleans Saints. After sweating it out for weeks, it’s nice that AP got a job somewhere. And the Saints kinda owed him, after he fumbled them towards the Super Bowl back in 2010. New Orleans seems like a perfect landing spot for Peterson, given that the majority of folks on Bourbon Street actually enjoy having their asses slapped raw. It’s a win-wince situation.

New York/Ottawa Hockey Bet. The hockey playoff match-up everyone has been waiting for is about to get underway. Yep, the long-simmering blood feud between the New York Rangers and Ottawa Senators is on like Donkey Kong. In a years-old tradition of politicians making sporting events about themselves, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio (*cough* one term mayor *cough*) and Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson (probably a serial killer) will be making a friendly wager on the series. If Ottawa wins, Alanis Morissette gets to torture MTA passengers for a year by singing in New York subway stations and bus shelters. If the Rangers prevail, de Blasio’s wife, Chirlane McCray, has to go north to live with Ottawa native Denis Potvin for a year. A much easier bet would have been Ottawa loses and Bill D. becomes their mayor for a year/Rangers lose and Bill D. stays our mayor for a year.

The Kardashians are Sports Poison. This has been covered before, but the Kardashian family is absolute nuclear Kryptonite to athletes. Patriarch Robert Kardashian was a buddy of OJ Simpson, and we know how that turned out. Mom, Kris Jenner, sent one of America’s most-decorated athletes into the gender relocation program. Kim only, maybe, screwed up Reggie Bush and that NBA player nobody remembers. But, she’s got bigger fish to fry. Khloe, on the other hand, has been prolific. For starters she married Lamar Odom, who proceeded to try to kill himself by drugs and hookers, which is seriously the best failed suicide attempt ever. She then dated current NBA MVP candidate James Harden for several months before he thought, “I’d rather live and be great at basketball than turn into the next Unabomber.” She’s now dating Cleveland Cavaliers center Tristan Thompson, who will most probably end up turning into a killer clown who lives in the sewer. Don’t worry, LeBron can work with that.

That’s all he wrote for this week. Tune in tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a good guy who deserves better than me being his warm-up act. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward @MeetTheMatts, @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

Share Button
About Angry Ward 700 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.