MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE, USA— Looks like my good-for-nothing cousin, DJ, has gone missing again. What are you gonna do? He’s probably crying into his overstuffed Buffalo Bills Bruce Smith snuggle pillow. And yesterday’s “game,” if you want to call it that, is probably a good place to start with this Week 1 NFL recrap. That’s right, I said it!
Run Out on Your Bills. This football team from Buffalo (already one of the most depressing places on Earth) is too horrible for even the most horrible adjectives. They showed flashes this preseason that they were gonna suck, and yesterday they delivered on that preview and then some. Losing 47-3 to the also-awful Ravens should be enough to make the remainder of the “Bills Mafia” turn state’s evidence and pack up the tents. They made Joe Flacco look good, which ain’t easy. Sure, it looks like Shady McCoy is gonna beat the rap, but he will never beat 9 in the box as teams dare Peterman and Allen to beat them. Good night, Nurse!
The Packers are Who We Thought They Were! The famous Denny Green quote, “they are who we thought they were” was uttered by then-Cardinals head coach Dennis Green after his team lost in excruciating fashion in primetime to the Chicago Bears. Well, last night it was the Bears’ turn to experience that type of loss. They absolutely abused the Packers in the first half of their game last night and it appeared that they had crippled Aaron Rodgers. But, Rodgers’ broken down body must have become rejuvenated by the spirit of Joe Pendleton (lookit up) because he somehow came back in the second half and carved the Bears up. It was like two completely separate games. But GB got the W, and that’s all that counts. Still, that team has issues and Rodgers may be limping for his life for the remainder of the season.
The Cowboys Lost. Hahahahahaha! In one of the most boring games of the day, Dallas lost to Carolina 16-8. It’s always fun seeing Dallas lose, no matter the opponent. And good old Dez Bryant took to twitter to troll them, which was fun too. Truly a team, owner, and disgruntled former player that are meant for one another. Let’s hope the entire season is one long tire fire.
Steelers and Browns Tie??? They say that a tie is like kissing your sister. So what does that make a tie in Cleveland where the Steelers turn it over 5 times and the Browns blow a chance to win it by having a field goal blocked. That must be like kissing your sister if your sister has a raging case of oral herpes and looks like Steve Bannon. There’s a Monday mental image for ya.
Come back tomorrow for this Whitney guy. I purposely said nothing about the G-Men because I’m thinking he just might. Happy Roshashanah to all, except Jared Kushner, who is a weaselly little bastich.