Angry Ward Wednesday: Meet the Matts Spinoff Websites I’m Gonna Make When I Grow Up

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PLANET EARTH – By now, we’ve all had plenty of time to take a long look in the mirror, take stock, and think about our lives and choices. I know I have. I haven’t come to many concrete conclusions other than I need to bring more underwear, socks, and t-shirts on my next so-called “vacation.” But, there’s something else. I’ve been writing for this site for longer than I can remember, and I think it’s time I launched my own site… y’know, like a TV spinoff. Mary Tyler Moore (the original MTM) had Rhoda, Phyllis, and Lou Grant. All in the Family had The Jeffersons, Maude, and then Good Times off of Maude. It’s time this joint stretched its legs. Here are some Meet the Matts spinoff sites I’m currently working on.

Meet the Mertz. Fred and Ethel Mertz never got a sufficient deep dive on I Love Lucy, Theirs was an exquisite and complicated May-December romance. This proposed site will give you all the inside dope on all things William Frawley and Vivian Vance… maybe some info Mrs. Trumbull too. There were other tenants in that building, people.

Eat the Brats. I haven’t spoken to him about this yet, but I thought JG Clancy and I could launch a food blog focused solely on hot dogs and the like. Lord knows this current site is pretty much a sausage party anyway. Anyway, we could roam around (when it’s safe again) and sample cheap street eats across the country; First stop, bacon wrapped dogs in LA with West Coast Craig!

Rug Wrap Up. Believe it or not, there’s still a bunch of guys out there wearing hair pieces. Think of this launch as a public service to set these fellas straight. The Howard Cosell look is so 1971. Go bald or go home! Karl Ravech, please give it up… we’re begging you.

Meet the Pats. Just what you always wanted, a sports portal devoted to nothing but guys and girls named Pat. All of your favorites are here! Pat Dobson, Patrick Roy, Pat LaFontaine, Pat Summitt, Pat LaFrieda (burgers!), Matt Patricia… eww… let’s move on.

Mic the Mikes. All right, this one is more a podcast than a website. The concept is simple. Each week get two guys named Mike to go up against famous New York radio blowhard and Diet Coke enthusiast Mike Francesa to see if they can get a word in edgewise. My choice for first week guests are New York Post columnists Mike Vaccaro and Mike Puma. Good luck, guys.

Rummy Drink Up. This is a pet project that will only launch if I get 1. Backing from Gosling’s Rum, 2. Some ginger beer brand synergy, and 3. End up marooned in Florida longer. Stay tuned.

Mute the Matts. It’s everyone’s dream come true, a sports site where guys named Matt DO NOT  have a voice.

Rate the Farts. OK, I’m clearly running thin on ideas. But this is still the perfect moment to share with you that the one and only Abe Vigoda once crop dusted me walking up 79th Street from the Boat Basin just off Riverside Drive. One of my all-time favorite New York moments.

That’s it for this week. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz maybe? I don’t even know anymore. Buddy is also probably working on some sweet side projects, like Belcher Report, Eagletainment Tonight, and Knicks Suckers Anonymous.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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