DENVER, CO – Approximately one in four MTM contributors over twelve experience column dysfunction after four beers. Normally, I drink more beers, as that usually fixes the issue. That didn’t work today. I was not able to finish my column. Instead I started over and over again. Yogi Berra – the Mets version – was nodding knowingly nearby. 
Deja vu all over again. So, like some of our wives and all of our dreams, it is up to you all to imagine what it is like to finish the below abominations.
Today is the anniversary of one of the greatest bowel movements of the modern era. It was dirty. It was painful. It was ugly as all hell. It left those around it feeling empty both physically and emotionally. Even the beginning and end locations of this brown movement were disgusting. Today is the day Art Modell announced he was moving the Browns to Baltimore.
November 1st was world vegan day. Recently, some high profile athletes like V. Williams and a few soccer players have made headlines for being vegan. While I may not be a high profile athlete, my stomach might as well be the NFL’s version of Eagle’s offensive line because everything runs right through it. This allows me to eat even more meat than most people and thus makes me a bit of an expert on the issue. As I write this, my bicuspids as designed by god or evolution or aliens are tearing into the flesh of another animal as was intended by god or evolution or aliens. People are entitled to make their own choices and it is ok if you are a vegan Angry Ward. Just because it is ok doesn’t make it the right way to live. Here’s 98.6 reasons why meat makes life better in every way, athletics or not.
Dave Chappelle, before he went off the grid, used to do a bit about provocatively dressed women. The hook was “Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a whore.” 
The punchline was “Men, this is true. Just because she is dressed this way does not make her a whore……But she is wearing a whore’s uniform!” The NFL trade deadline just came and went just about as fast as a John in the red-light district. Most teams at the deadline are paying for what they think is a sure thing. Here’s who is going to put out for their new team and who was just cruising for drinks.
An open letter to the Masters Committee: As a Die Hard fan, which is a Christmas movie, and as a fan of the game of golf, I hope you will take into account the following as it pertains to this year’s tournament: More screen time for Paulina Gretzky. If she is not available then Allison Stokke is acceptable as well.
That’s all I have. I can’t finish. Like a Mets closer. Coffee’s for closers only.
