ST LOUIS/DENVER – No. I’m not going to do it. I am not going to write about the abomination of a sporting event that happened last Sunday. What can be said that hasn’t already been said? The local prisons in Kansas will be playing that game in solitary confinement for years to come as cruel and unusual punishment. That is all I will say about the Super Bowl.
The gym is empty. The only light in the room is the glimmer of red from the EXIT sign. The feedback from the amp starts low and works up to an ear bending high. Then the first chord enters with a sharp two count. Another two bars. The shirt comes off and the lead guitar comes in. Louden Swain’s half naked-body is glistening from sweat more than the average Grindr profile picture and not quite as glistening as short matt’s grindr profile picture. In comes the lyrics. Louden gracefully executes a single leg takedown into a fireman’s carry, followed by the sloppiest Granby rolls I have ever seen. By the start of the second verse it’s time for the legendary match with Shute. During the guitar solo Louden pulls off an escape and a throw that would be foiled by even the most novice eight year old wrestler. This culminates in a pin and a win for Louden. For those of you who have seen the movie you are probably hearing “Lunatic Fringe” by Red Rider right now.
Some songs are so ingrained in a film that you can’t imagine any other song ever replacing it. The keyword is song… not arrangement. The themes from Field of Dreams, The natural, The Miracle on Ice ,etc. weren’t ever released as a song. Nor has the NFL film soundtracks that will likely bear too many moments from that time an old man and an older man teamed up for a championship vacation in Florida. Here are a few of my favorite sports movie songs.
Centerfield by John Fogerty
Bull Durham: I too believe there should be a constitutional amendment banning Astroturf and the designated hitter. I too believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography, and opening your presents Christmas morning not Christmas Eve. I believe every time “Centerfield” is played Susan Sarandon’s legs get an inch longer and a year younger. I believe that all you lollygaggers agree that Chiefs punter Tommy Townsend is a lollygagger.
Wild Thing by The Troggs
Major League: Boy am I glad I’m not having kids. How is one supposed to explain to them why the Cleveland Indians are now the Cleveland Steamers, or Cleveland Brown Stockings, or Cleveland Dead Bodies on a Dock? How is one supposed to explain that pitchers used to walk in from the bullpen as opposed to using a golf cart? How is one supposed to explain penal leagues when there aren’t any minor leagues? At least Rick Vaughn was a lot more fun as a Wild Thing than Gronk is.
Get Right Back to Where We Started From by Maxine Nightingale
Slap Shot: There was a time when at least minor league hockey had some dignity. If there is one thing you don’t do, you don’t challenge the Chiefs. The Chiefs will come out swinging. They certainly won’t get run over by a bunch of pansies from Tampa. Evidently the refs were running a dance floor and not an NFL field on the day that we do not speak of.
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Rocky III: I could have put any of the rocky themes on this list. Eye of the Tiger really is the best one. When I hear Eye of the Tiger I am transported by Rocky into a place in my mind where Tom Brady didn’t get drafted out of Michigan. He is somewhere coaching JV girls soccer in a small town in rural North Dakota. His team can’t win a game either.
Come back tomorrow for Short Matt’s Grindr profile and his accompanying profile song – Michael Bolton – I said I loved you but I lied.
