NEW YORK, NY – Due to circumstances beyond my control, my family has gone off on the final vacation of summer without me. So, more time for me to be left with my own sometimes-debilitating thoughts… never a good thing. Not to worry though, I have a new mantra I’ve developed to help me through those dark periods. It goes something like: “Ohhhmmm—At least Kirk Cousins isn’t a Minnesota Viking—Ohhhmmm.” It’s been surprisingly effective. Feel free to borrow it, if the need should arise. Just plug in your own team. But, this brings me to today’s topic: Are there any deal-breakers when it comes to rooting for a professional sports team? What would be enough to make you jump ship and, if there is no such line, at what point are we all just rooting for laundry, as that old saw goes?
New York Yankees. Yankees fans, in my opinion are loyal to a fault. As I’ve mentioned here multiple times, I escaped my own Bomber Shawshank years ago (as did JG Clancy) and never looked back. Yes, we missed out on some championships, but it was worth it to me to get away from Steinbrenner, and the bonuses afterwards were multiple, like not having to pull for Joe Torre (jerk) or Roger Clemens (the worst) or Paul O’Neill (big whining baby) or A-Rod (do we even need to explain?). I mean, how do you live with yourselves. 
I also wonder how a guy like our own Saturday contributor, Aristotle “Mugsy” Sakellaridis, whose last post was entitled Yankees Pride is Poo Poo, sticks with the Yankees. I mean he hates a lot about this team right now—the people running it mostly—and what they’ve done to his beloved Bombers and even ex-players like Reggie Jackson. So why is he still a fan?
Cleveland Browns. Your used car salesman owner decides to throw a boatload of guaranteed money at one of the most toxic QBs in the history of the game and you’re cool with that? Really? Man, you Cleveland fans are more desperate than I thought. Also, he hasn’t exactly been worth it so far, has he? Pick up what shreds of dignity you have left and take a vacation from this team at least until he’s gone, Jimmy Haslam sells, or the meteor is about to hit… all bets are off at that point.
The Wilpon Mets. Not so fast, Mets fans. You/we don’t get off that easy. I know we all reasoned our way around rooting for the Metropolitans when the dreaded Wilpons were in charge, in a sort of “us vs. them” kinda way, but what a bunch of hooey. Imagine those two Madoff abettors hoisting the World Series trophy. Horrible. Would it have been such a bad idea to take a brief Wilpon hiatus while waiting for Cohen to come along? You could have picked some crappy West Coast team (Mariners anyone?), got a good night’s sleep, and not have to worry about the score until morning. Keep this in mind moving forward.
The New York Jets. Aaron Rodgers may not be the biggest tool on the planet, but he’s certainly in the conversation for biggest a-hole in professional sports. I know Jets fans run away from common sense and good taste the same way they do having to wait in line to use a public restroom but, c’mon, how can you possibly be so bereft of soul or self-worth that you’re looking to this guy to be your messiah? Look who I’m trying to talk to? What’s wrong with me? (Shaddup!) Also, owner Woody Johnson is a complete d!ck. No surprise there, I suppose.
Dallas Cowboys. Two words: Jerry Jones. I know the over-arching theme here is that all owners suck, but some are far worse than others. Cowboys fans, you are useless mouth-breathing CHUDS. Enjoy the triumphant return of Ezekiel Elliott. He should be a sideline mascot—fans throwing food from the stands to feed him—by midseason.
My work here is done. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz’s proxy (because Buddy is in Puerto Rico), who is still trying to figure out how the Yankees have one of the best records in baseball but still got obliterated by the lowly White Sox Monday night. Nothing makes sense anymore. It’s Chinatown, Buddy.
