NEW YORK, NY – After Junior Blaber’s Monday windfall in the comments section (the only windfall anyone’s seeing these days) I should probably stick to talking about sports-related eating and drinking challenges. The NBA could have The Triple Double, which might include a Double Cheeseburger, Double Bourbon, and Two Scoops of Ice Cream. Or maybe they should tailor these stupid stunts to specific teams. For instance, you could easily have one for the Eagles called The Philly Special: Wake up drunk, yell a racist slur in the parking lot, get in a fight in the stands, and end the day with a tush push (yes, that kind of tush push) on a public street. Okay, let’s not talk about this anymore. Instead, today’s column will be a comprehensive recap of White Lotus Season 3. Just kidding. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
Florida Beats Houston. I didn’t watch the game but I was rooting for Houston because rooting for Florida, in any capacity, just feels wrong. So, let’s move on. I didn’t even watch the tournament, so no biggie for me.
Yanks and Mets. New York’s two baseball teams are both off to buzz-worthy starts. The former because of their red hot opening series against the Brewers and their dumb new bats (are we finally done talking about them?) and the latter because—as of this writing—they are on a 5-game heater. The funny thing about the Mets, if you want to call it that, is that they aren’t really scoring any runs. 35 through their first 10 games? Those are Mariners numbers. Here’s hoping that as the weather warms up, their offense does as well. Pitching sure as hell hasn’t been an issue. Yankees, meanwhile, are in Detroit where the Tigers are undefeated and Comerica Park must look like the Grand Friggin’ Canyon to any Bombers hitter not named Judge.
Stick a Fork in the Rangers. A week ago, I received this annoying text from Short Matt at 12:27 a.m.: Rangers snag thrilling overtime win over Wild to earn two crucial points in wildcard race. My response, when I finally woke up, was: Yawn! Now that the Rangers are pretty much kaput, I can only hope I can at least eliminate Short Matt Hockey Texts from my lengthy UNSUBSCRIBE list.
Mel Kiper Jr. How is this guy still a thing? Do we really need NFL Draft analysts anymore, especially a guy who made a name for himself by trashing the Colts for not taking Trent Dilfer? Honestly, I don’t really have it out for Mel Kiper specifically. I think he and Todd McShay and god-knows-who-all-else, are not particularly useful or entertaining. I’d much rather see The Muppets do the draft. Wouldn’t it be like 100x better to see Statler and Waldorf trash the Jets and their first round pick? Who says “no” to this? Later rounds could feature The Count counting off what pick is up next, Oscar the Grouch lamenting the trash left in the late rounds, and Animal breaking down game film. I’m sorry, but this would be a ratings bonanza. Go ahead and steal it, you TV executive morons.
That’s all for me today. Buddy Diaz should be back tomorrow, fresh off of spring training for attempting The Philly Special next Fall.
