GROTE’S GRIPES: EVERYONE LOVES A PARADE?

CANYON OF HEROES, NY – If the Phillies took care of business in Game 7 like they were supposed to this would’ve been the shortest Grote’s Gripes ever, just two words: No Gripes. Unfortunately that was not the case. Instead I’ll have to address today’s ticker tape parade for the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees. The silver lining is the format of the ticker tape parade allows us in lower Manhattan to shower the Yankees with garbage as they wind down Broadway towards City Hall. I’ve been saving up a couple of months worth of banana peels and toe nail clippings for the prospect of such an event. One thing I am looking forward to in the parade is Kate Hudson on the bicycle powered mobile stripper pole. Shake it baby.

–World Series MVP Hideki Matsui is thinking about boycotting the event since his cartoon bride might be mistakenly swept up by the sanitation department.
–Joba Chamberlain and Nick Swisher are both even money odds to hop off their float to urinate in an alley.
–Of course our very own Yankee Joe will be there throughout, screaming like a teenage girl at an early 60’s Beatles concert.

Even though I am not a Yankee fan I am proud that this city is the master of the ceremonial ticker tape parade. In fact New York City is the center of parade life in this country. Towns like Phoenix have to host their parades at the ballpark instead of down the canyon of heroes. It just doesn’t seem like much of a celebration if you ask me. I wonder how fondly the 1987 New York Giants remember their parade around the Meadowlands parking lot. Compare that to the 2008 Giants who had a parade down Broadway. That’s like sleeping with Wynonna Judd instead of her sister Ashley.

So, in keeping with the parade theme, I thought I’d give you a quick Grote’s Guide To Parades In New York City:

ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE::

Expect To See: Drunken firefighters and even drunker women who want to slide on home with drunken firefighters.

Expect To Hear:

IRISHMAN

Do you have any Irish in ‘ya?

DRUNK LASS

“A little.”

IRISHMAN

Would you like to have a little more Irish in ‘ya?

Fact: For a day Millionaire’s Mile gets covered with Eire’s Bile.

GAY PRIDE PARADE:

Expect To See: Mostly pitchers and catchers.

Expect To Hear: “It’s Raining Men” blaring from Randy Levine’s hot tub float.

Fact: Men will expose as much skin as Alex Rodriguez tanning in Sheep’s Meadow.

PUERTO RICAN DAY PARADE:

Expect To See: Grinding and Groping.

Expect To Hear: “Ay, Papi!”

Fact: Most parade attendees will reach at least second base.

WEST INDIAN DAY PARADE:

Expect To See: Lotsa Gold Teeth and Gold Chains.

Expect To Hear: Gunshots and Soca.

Fact: Scorecards are given out where runs, hits and errors are replaced by shootings, stabbings and deaths. Last year’s line was a respectable 2, 4 and 1.

HALLOWEEN PARADE:

Expect To See: Idiots, the basic equivalent to Phillies fans.

Expect To Hear: Idiots, lots and lots of idiots.

Fact: Halloween is for children, not cheap whores and thugs who show up in the Village.

Good luck to all that will attend the parade and here’s hoping the Mets can have another one of these shindigs in our lifetime.

Eddiz/Dr. Diz tomorrow…