CARNAGE, USA – Tall Matt has three kids of various ages, genders and sizes (he’s the Shawn Kemp of MTM). Cookie just added a second Cookie Monster to her brood. Angry Ward has a new Wardette (thanks, Yankee Joe) that makes him, unfortunately, happy. Wast Craig has two little buggers wreaking havoc in Southern California’s midget leagues. Like many of you they are faced with explaining away headlines that cite Drugs, Abuse, Murder, Kidnapping, Spousal Abuse and Rape – and that’s just the NFL! What the Gipper happened to us!? Can Time Warp Tony please take us back to a time when the biggest controversy in sports was Charlie Finley? Sure, the guy dismantled the greatest franchise ever (that’s for jgclancy) and wanted to use orange baseballs but he didn’t destroy one of our needed diversions from everyday life’s toils by shooting himself with a gun… or a needle. Our longed for distractions have now indeed become distractions and it’s… distracting! We need a new Mark “The Bird†Fidrych. We need another Lynn Swan. We’d love another David Arthur Kingman. We need that nut Susan Powter to, ironically, help us Stop The Insanity. We need to go back to times like those in Frank Gifford’s The Glory Game when the trainer used tape and a shot – of scotch – to get guys ready to play.
We have let things spiral out of control. What do you parents say to your kids about the rot being thrust upon us from our nation’s locker rooms and clubhouses? How does a coach deal with teenage athletes today? Kids of all ages adore these guys and Madison Avenue feeds off that Tainted Love (Soft Cell for the Piper’s Kilt Trivia Crew). Heck, Adam Jones is called Pacman, for crissakes.
These are immense issues that need to be taken head-on. Somebody needs to play Superman and step in front of the runaway locomotive that is barreling toward our unsuspecting children. Who is that somebody? It ain’t Bud Selig. It’s not Orrin Hatch. It’s not likely to be Roger Goodell. No. Instead, it has to be every single parent, coach, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa and teacher out there.  We need to set our own examples. If A-Dubya (Angry Ward) abstains from and denounces HGH use, despite the toll that editorializing here takes on his wrists and fingers, it’s a good bet a young Wardette won’t use them to further her professional tennis career – unless it’s REALLY BIG MONEY – then all bets are off… That said, let us end on this: How the Father Knows Best do Plaxico Burress, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens and Pacman Jones explain themselves to the kids in their lives? More specifically, what the Eliot Sptizer can they say to keep a lifetime of merciless taunting from making them psychological mincemeat?! Answer that, Batman!
That’s all for today, chime in below, watch ‘Shawn Kemp’ Matt go Christian Bale in our latest video, please send our link to at least two people (www.MeetTheMatts.com) and look for Sam’s-A-Fan Friday -tomorrow. We know that he’ll finally use all caps in is HEADLINE and all caps in his LOCALE (e.g… NEW YORK, NY – ), so we’re VERY excited.
