Grote’s Gripes: Year Of The Dragon’s Wild Impact On Sports

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Philly Fans Will Impart Their Wisdom To Others

CHINATOWN, NY - Yesterday was the first day of the Chinese New Year.  This year is an especially big one in the Chinese calendar because it is the Year Of The Dragon. Dragon’s are supposed to be a symbol of good luck so those born under this sign are bound for great fortune.   Thank goodness the year of the rabbit is behind us.  The people of China are absolutely giddy about this upcoming year.  The dragon is a powerful being.  Everything you thought you knew will be questioned in the next 365 days.  Chinese couples will begin adopting American babies.  Ron Paul will become President.  Adam Sandler will make a funny movie.  Short Matt will achieve wealth and fame.  Yes the dragon is THAT powerful.

The sports world in particular will be thrown for a loop in this Year Of The Dragon. Here is a look at just some of these amazing events that will unfold before our very eyes:

  • At Yankee Stadium Dillon Gee will throw the Mets first ever no-hitter.
  • Jerry Sandusky will become the spokesman for the Boys Club of America.
  • The NY Islanders will change their name to the Dragons and win out for the remainder of the regular season, sweep through the playoffs and hoist the Stanley Cup in June.
  • The Yankees will finish 20 games under .500 causing Yankee fans to abandon ship faster than an Italian Cruise Captain.

Long Line Of Yankee Captains: Gehrig, Munson, Jeter, Schettino?

  • Bruins goalie Tim Thomas will go on the campaign trail stumping for President Obama.
  • Traveling calls will actually be enforced in the NBA.
  • James Dolan will admit he has no idea what he is doing.
  • Londoners will be magnanimous hosts for the 2012 Summer Games.
  • A University of Memphis college basketball player will graduate.
  • Madonna’s Super Bowl half-time show will be fresh and exciting and suitable for all ages.
  • Shannon Sharpe’s books on tape series will be this year’s best selling Christmas franchise.
  • Mark Sanchez will go the the Pro Bowl.
  • Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather will fight each other on non-pay-per-view network TV.
  • ESPN will show highlights without Coors Light graphics covering one-third of the screen.
  • Time Warner customers will miss the MSG channels so much, especially MSG Varsity, they will cancel their subscriptions en masse.
  • AJ Burnett will exhibit pinpoint control en route to his first Cy Young Award.
  • The Rooney Rule will be hailed a complete success.
  • Philadelphia will be known as a fan friendly place to watch a game.
  • No NFL player will be arrested for any sort of crime whatsoever.
  • Mark McGwire will be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame while his brother Dan McGwire is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.
  • Carmelo Anthony will win Defensive Player Of The Year.
  • Tim Tebow will admit his fling with Heidi Klum was the reason for her breakup with Seal.

The 6:00 minute mark sums it up:

Stay tuned tomorrow for Angry Ward, a man who will become rich beyond his wildest dreams due to his award winning column.

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  • butch gorings nostrils

    It makes sense that the Islanders change their name to the Dragons because their owner is a Wang.

    • Anonymous

      The owners name has certain wang to it.

  • Nick Erbocker

    The NBA game has too many stoppages already! We need to speed it up not blow more whistles – leave the blowing of things to the Dolans!

  • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

    The AJ Burnett thing.  Yes.  If anyone can do it.. the dragon can.  

    I can’t believe you scooped me on the Tebow/Klum thing.  Ahhhh well.  

    • Anonymous

      Heidi Klum took Tebowing to a new level.

      • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

        Yeah…instead of one knee.. to both knees.  (Yes… I just said that.)

  • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

    Grote, you’ve done it again!  Shannon Sharpe books on tape, a Memphis cager graduating, and Dan McGwire in Canton had me spilling the morning coffee.  Love Thomas’ political stance on not attending–like Obama knows or even watched a minute of hockey in his life. 

    • Johnny Rox

      I was happy to see Tim Thomas exercise both his right and his obligation as an American citizen. I felt his statement was VERY well put! I was also pleased to see the Obama administration do the right thing and honor the Boston Bruins on their Stanley Cup Win! I’m not sure if Obama watches Hockey or not but if he doesn’t it’s even more impressive!

      Now if only ESPN would give hockey as much respect!!!

      • Johnny Rox

        Oh, I almost forgot, Philidelphia has proven that they are a city of classless losers!

        THE ENTIRE CITY IS ONE BIG CESSPOOL!

        J…

  • Ram Rules

    Mark Sanchez in the pro bowl. Lol. Get ready for a thirsty Thursday full of probowl hate everyone. I hate the probowl and I am going to waste 10 minutes for your life telling you about it

    • Anonymous

       Bring on the hate Ram compadre.

  • Tall Matt

    Tim Thomas – An American with a strong moral constitution or a racist goalie making a political statement violating our Constitution’s separation of sport and state?  Either way, BenJarvus Green-Ellis is the stupidest name in football.

    • Anonymous

      How did BenJarvis Green-Ellis get pulled into this mess.  He was just minding his business.

      • Tall Matt

        I like a solid non sequitur.

  • Different Matt

    They all seemed plausible until the Memphis graduation one. They have a lower graduation rate than Miami Football.

    • Anonymous

      Now that Callipari is gone anything is possible.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Johnathan-Wicklow-Barberie/100002678012365 Johnathan Wicklow Barberie

    BenJarvus Green-Ellis is not to be confused with the Webb-Ellis; the Rugby World Cup trophy.

    • Tall Matt

      Copy that.

      • Anonymous

        Carbon Copy that.

        • http://twitter.com/Cookies_Corner Cookies Corner

          Mimeograph that.. and sniff the ink as you hand the copies back.

  • oblique outlook

    If Dillon Gee throws a no-hitter I will shave my balls.

    • Ram Rules

      You don’t shave them anyways? The natural look is soo 2003 tame the mane son. Seacrest up!

  • Sam’s-A-Fan

    Who’s springing for Sanchez’ ticket to the Pro-Bowl?  And are refreshments included in this gift package?

    • Miffed

      Stepping Out mag is ‘covering’ Sanchez.

    • Anonymous

      Rex Ryan.

      • Anonymous

        Did someone say, “Rex?”

  • EdNelson456

    Dragons is so stupid… But not as stupid as the Michael Irvin commercials where he interacts with the different music stars.

  • Anonymous

    I’m assuming that Dillon Gee no-no will come in the Mayor’s Trophy Game. They still play that, don’t they?

    I would love to read a story on what really becomes of all of the sports jerseys and paraphrenalia bestowed upon Presidents over the years. I’m guessing the First Lady will be wearing that B’s jersey as a sleep shirt.

    • Sam’s-A-Fan

      Mayor’s Trophy Game?  You been drinking from Time Warp Tony’s cup?

      • Anonymous

        My thought exactly.

  • Johnny Rox

    Grote, very well done!

    You forgot the one where a team who didn’t beat any team over .500, and has the worse rated defense in the league, wins the Superbowl!

    J…

    • Anonymous

      Thanks J. Rox.  Notice I didn’t mention the Rangers because if they win the cup it won’t surprise anyone.

      • Anonymous

        The only thing that will surprise us about the the Rangers winning the Cup is how little opposition they will have had, going undefeated in the post-season.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry for being late, John McLaughlin’s “One On One” was on PBS and WITH PHD Robert Schulmann discussing the Einstein Papers – Part II… Anywho, we’ve got it on good authority that Jorge Posada will be running for Vice President, having said this earlier today: “I am running for Vice President. Joe Biden is merde.”

  • Tall Matt

    Fielder to Tigers. 9 years. Haven’t seen the financials yet

    • http://twitter.com/CheesyBruin Cheesy Bruin

      200 flogging 14 frickin million damn dollars! For a one-dimensional player, no less!

      • Ram Rules

        He is very three dimesional. The reason he hits so well is because every pitch breaks towards him on account of entering orbit.

      • Anonymous

        With Miguel Cabrera and Victor Martinez already splitting time at 1st?  Good luck with that.

  • Anonymous

    …and Albert Brooks will win an Oscar!

    • Anonymous

      Nice addition.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Junoir-Blaber/512502691 Junoir Blaber

    Schettino will be an Italian Euphemism for coward soon!!

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