ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: WORKING ON MYSTERIES WITHOUT ANY CLUES

DETROIT, MI–As today’s title suggests, we’re coming to you from the home of Bob Seger, as well as many other Rust Belt luminaries. According to HBO’s Bill Maher, you can buy a house in these parts now for something in the neighborhood of $18,000, so we thought we’d do some looking around. In the meantime, let’s kill a little time by channeling our inner Andy Rooney and ask a few questions we’d like answered.

• How is it that every team in the NFL has its own stadium except the New York Giants and New York Jets who share one in New Jersey? Not only that but these two filthy rich franchises also will be charging two sets of fans for personal seat licenses… and there’s only one stadium! Usually the excuse for these licenses is that they are to help pay for construction of the stadium so, by simple math, shouldn’t the Giants and Jets be splitting the costs and charging their fans only nominal license fees and ticket prices?

• Why is there no hockey team in Quebec, yet there is still one in Phoenix? Do they even sell skates in Phoenix?

• Who let the dogs out?I’m pretty sure the Baja Men never answered this question.

• Why are there so few African Americans in Major League Baseball these days? Football and Basketball have been around as options for a long time, so that can’t be the entire answer. At least up until this year, baseball seemed like a great place to make a lot of money, over the longest career, with the fewest chances of injury. Some of the greatest players to ever play the game were black: Mays, Gibson, Aaron, Robinson (both Jackie and Frank), the list is endless and impressive. If the league really doesn’t care to go out and encourage young black kids to play baseball, can someone at least bring 49-year-old Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd in for a Spring Training tryout? Word is, he’s looking for a shot.

• Which stains are tougher to get out of your tennis whites, clay or grass? (Please, no Monica Seles blood stains jokes.)

• How old is George Foreman now and when will he be making another comeback in the ring? Seeing the state of the Heavyweight division and boxing as a whole it seems like it wouldn’t take much arm twisting to get someone to sanction a fight for George. Mind you, we’re not condoning this, but just surprised that it hasn’t happened yet.

• Why hasn’t Jim Rome called Rex O’Rourke yet? Did he not read Rex’s fantastic “Stoopid Skool” post this past Sunday? Did you not read it either? Tsk, tsk.

• How is it that a guy who has never won anything, like Mark Teixeira, can land an eight-year $180 million contract and Manny Ramirez can’t even get a three-year deal for comparable dollars?

• When does March Madness start? (And don’t say March, wisenheimer.) It’s been too long since there was a sporting event on TV worth caring about.

• Where’s the Phanatic? Is he just letting Cole Hamels do his talking these days? Is he Cole Hamels?

• Why the H-E-double hockey sticks is Mets “Opening Day” this year, a night game? It’s been a day opener as long as I can remember.

• Does anger really cause heart disease? Really??? Is it too late to change my name on this site? OK, I’ll be back next week with a much stronger column. I think I’ve become bogged down in bullet points. How they ever paid Larry King for this sort of thing is beyond me. Luckily, the Matts don’t pay me.

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About Angry Ward 625 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.