TAMPA, FL – The New York Yankees have set a press conference/interview for Alex Rodriguez to further elaborate and lie about previous interviews and press conferences. While the controversies that revolve around Rodriguez’s use of performance enhancing drugs and pesky cysts remain in the news, this new interview will deal specifically with his performance in prior interviews. Questions will be pre-screened by Yankee brass and may not include cysts, PEDs, Yuri Andropov, boli, wingman Angel Presinal, his slapping of Bronson Arroyo and/or Madonna. Rodriguez will prepare canned, pat answers in advance. The move is thought by baseball insiders as an attempt to quell swirling steroid rumors with increase exposure and coverage. “When Alex fibs, people take notice. Season ticket plans sales are off and this helps keep us in the headlines so we can continue to dig deep into the pockets of loyal fans.” said Yankee COO Lonn Trost. The team is in private discussions regarding the seating placement of long time Yankees Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera’s at the upcoming event. Last time, left to right, the line was Rivera, Posada, Jeter and Pettitte. This time execs may want the two “P” named players in the middle.
With the latest round of interviews, ARod hopes to get in the good graces of every single living baseball fan. Thus far, attempts to sway deceased fans have met with little success. It remain important for the third baseman to not only be the greatest player to ever live but to be the most popular who ever lived. Only when nary a boo is heard from the stands will Rodriguez be happy and his satisfaction is a primary goal for the 2009 Yankee season. “A happy ARod is a glad ARod. A glad ARod is a cheerful ARod. A cheerful ARod is a jolly ARod and a jolly ARod makes us happy.” Trost said.
Principal owner and ailing patriarch George Steinbrenner echoed the sentiment. “One’s a born liar and the other’s convicted.” said the dribbling Boss.
The shunned-by-Jim Rome Rex O’Rourke tomorrow.