NEW YORK, NY—Oh man, this season came upon us so quickly that I completely forgot to give you guys this year’s New York Yankees promotion dates. Just remember, these giveaways are in addition to all of those Bronx freebies we’ve all come to love, such as “Village People Yankees Chaps Night” sponsored by English Leather and “Pay for Our Brand New Stadium Day,” which runs all year long. So, without further ado, here are your New York Yankees 2009 Promotional Dates:

•C.C. Sabathia Bobble Belly Night: All fans in attendance at the Yankees May 15th game against Minnesota receive a charming Bobble Belly doll in the likeness of the Yankees’ large lefty. This keepsake features a completely stationary head and a midsection that jiggles like crazy at the slightest touch or movement. Look for special throwback Yankee Bobble Belly dolls this season including Steve Balboni and Carlos May.

•Fire Joe Girardi! T-Shirt Day: At June 4th’s day game against the Rangers all fans take home this souvenir shirt that may only be relevant a couple more days.

•Mariano Rivera Relief Receptacle Night: June 17th’s game against the Nationals promises to be a pisser. All fans 18 and over will receive a polyethylene urine bottle featuring Rivera’s likeness and as durable as the celebrated Yankee closer himself. Why wait for long bathroom lines when you can just relieve yourself into one of the game’s great relievers?

•Roll Back the Clock Night: The New York Yankees thank their loyal fans by rolling back prices on July 2nd’s game versus Seattle. Tickets and concessions costs will revert to those of the magical 2007 season as the Bombers commemorate their last playoff appearance. Get great upper deck seats for under 100 bucks and enjoy a cold beer for $8.75 as the Yankees celebrate such stars of yesteryear as Kyle Farnsworth, Wilson Betemit, Andy Phillips, and the Giambino. All proceeds go towards the Kei Igawa Fund.

•Billy Crystal Appreciation Day: When the Yanks take on the Athletics on July 25th fans of all ages will receive a complimentary DVD of one of these Crystal classics: “Forget Paris,” “My Giant,” or “Mr. Saturday Night.” Billy will also sing the National Anthem, throw out the first pitch, French kiss Robin Williams, play third base, and bat seventh. In addition, all whores will be admitted for half price.

•Joba Chamberlain Suspenders Night: All fans showing up to August 10th’s game against Toronto with proof of a suspended driver’s license will receive a splendid pair of Joba Chamberlain suspenders sponsored by the fine folks at Crown Royal. “Crown Royal, the favorite Canadian Whiskey of Drunken Nebraskans everywhere.”

•Game-Used Baseball Bonanza: All season long, lucky fans in the right field stands will be the recipients of some of the cheapest home runs ever hit. Come out and grab a lame piece of history!

•Suzyn Waldman Sex Doll Night: Indulge all of your hot fan-on-sportscaster fantasies with this lovely latex replica of the sultry voice of the Yankees. Features include seventh-inning stretchable limbs, pinstriped pasties, and optional voice box that says absolutely filthy things about John Sterling. September 8th’s game versus the Rays will surely be a night to remember.

More dates are likely to be added as the season progresses and the Yankees continue to tank. Stay tuned!

Share Button
About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.