by The Matts
MAIN STREET, USA – West Coast Craig, now officially being monitored 24/7 by MTM Operatives surrounding his Southern California home, called us to arms with his anti-American, pro-soccer propaganda yesterday. We feel it is our duty, as Great Americans, to thwart WCC and his dubious henchman/double-agent, jgclancy – who until yesterday seemed like nothing more than a friendly and constant member of this very Fan Forum. Well, we know better now, don’t we. And as we say in Tennessee,
“Fool me once, shame on… (awkward pause) Shame on you… Uh… You fool me… You can’t get fooled again.”
That said [sort of], we have taken upon ourselves to not only vilify and ostracize West Coast Commie Craig for assisting in the continued sissifying of our youth, but to help save our country. Here’s how:
Basketball: Yes. But only one kid at a time.
Dodge Ball: NO. IN CAPS!
Deck Hockey: Indifferent, as long as all materials are Nerf products.
Kick Ball: No. No. Kick Ball is the precursor for Dodge Ball!
Tag: Only if the fat kids have their own game. We don’t want them to think they are fat.
Smoking: Indifferent. Kids will be kids.
Rock Climbing: Yes. Just one rock, though. And nothing over 2′ high as long as they are wearing a helmet, elbow, knee and wrist pads/guards/armor.
Ping Pong: NO! Somebody could lose an eye!
Soccer: YES! ALWAYS OKAY. ABSOLUTELY. Just make sure nobody ever loses!
See? The above makes it possible for Dodge Ball to still exist while giving the kid the honest excuse that it’s his mother or father who are lame – not them. Other kids will understand that. Further, the kids that aren’t allowed to play can commiserate at Nerf soccer practice.
There you have it. Do what we say and our now-doomed society may not crumble like the Roman Empire or the Spartans. Even Captain Kirk couldn’t save them or the Greeks….
NOTES: We’re off to Baldymore for an appearance at Wednesday’s game. Any preferred wardrobe combination? … We spent Saturday bonding with the country’s best sports bloggers and the links we like most are now in the right margin of the FAN FORUM page under Blogroll. They are good. … We’ll likely be interviewing ’69 Met Rod Gaspar this week…
Angry Ward tomorrow…