by The Matts
MAIN STREET, USA – West Coast Craig, now officially being monitored 24/7 by MTM Operatives surrounding his Southern California home, called us to arms with his anti-American, pro-soccer propaganda yesterday. We feel it is our duty, as Great Americans, to thwart WCC and his dubious henchman/double-agent, jgclancy – who until yesterday seemed like nothing more than a friendly and constant member of this very Fan Forum. Well, we know better now, don’t we. And as we say in Tennessee,

“Fool me once, shame on… (awkward pause) Shame on you… Uh… You fool me… You can’t get fooled again.”

That said [sort of], we have taken upon ourselves to not only vilify and ostracize West Coast Commie Craig for assisting in the continued sissifying of our youth, but to help save our country. Here’s how:

  • KEEP DODGEBALL IN SCHOOLS: There is a simple solution to the ridiculous campaign to ban the activity in schools. Give parents a Preferred Acitivities Section when filling forms for their kids. They can answer by checking one of three choices – YES, NO, INDIFFERENT. They may leave an explanation if they so choose. It just so happens that we had WCC fill one out just last week:
      Basketball: Yes. But only one kid at a time.
      Dodge Ball: NO. IN CAPS!
      Deck Hockey: Indifferent, as long as all materials are Nerf products.
      Kick Ball: No. No. Kick Ball is the precursor for Dodge Ball!
      Tag: Only if the fat kids have their own game. We don’t want them to think they are fat.
      Smoking: Indifferent. Kids will be kids.
      Rock Climbing: Yes. Just one rock, though. And nothing over 2′ high as long as they are wearing a helmet, elbow, knee and wrist pads/guards/armor.
      Ping Pong: NO! Somebody could lose an eye!
      Soccer: YES! ALWAYS OKAY. ABSOLUTELY. Just make sure nobody ever loses!

    See? The above makes it possible for Dodge Ball to still exist while giving the kid the honest excuse that it’s his mother or father who are lame – not them. Other kids will understand that. Further, the kids that aren’t allowed to play can commiserate at Nerf soccer practice.

  • KILL SOCCER – OR MAKE THIS CHANGE: Add checking. If you were allowed to check someone dribbling the ball, as though it was a hockey player skating with the puck, you’d have our attention. Some bone-crushing, open field hits would keep the sissies from incessantly taking dives and later going out together to watch The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. The checking rule can be modified for women, as it is in hockey, so don’t waste your time arguing that point. And don’t bring up equipment being needed because it’s not. Watch a rugby game.
  • LEAVE KIDS ALONE: Stop scheduling and supervising everything. Human beings need to develop certain skills on their own. They need to learn about negotiating with the bully. They need to know how to organize a game of Punch Ball by choosing – “Odds or evens?” to see who picks first. They can use the One Potato, Two Potato Method instead. Either way, the loser picks 2nd and 3rd. Oh yeah – then they draft their teams and some kid will be last. OH NO! We can’t have that! Um… Yes, we can. We need to. Little Mr. Softee needs exposure to rejection and a dose of Natural Selection once and a while. Call it Darwinism, call it inhumane – WHATEVER! Just let it happen. Score will be kept as well. Not everyone wins all the time in life – just ask any Met fan in The Bronx.
  • PLAY RUGBY: Like the military is required for everyone in Israel, 5 minutes of rugby should be made mandatory for every U.S. citizen under the age of 65. It’s that good.
  • There you have it. Do what we say and our now-doomed society may not crumble like the Roman Empire or the Spartans. Even Captain Kirk couldn’t save them or the Greeks….

    NOTES: We’re off to Baldymore for an appearance at Wednesday’s game. Any preferred wardrobe combination? … We spent Saturday bonding with the country’s best sports bloggers and the links we like most are now in the right margin of the FAN FORUM page under Blogroll. They are good. … We’ll likely be interviewing ’69 Met Rod Gaspar this week…

    Angry Ward tomorrow…

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    About The Matts 376 Articles started out as a NY Mets website and organically grew into an entity covering all professional sports. Our daily contributors, as diverse as they may be, share two important traits: -They toil for the "love of the game..." -They have a sense of humor. This is, after all, sports entertainment.