UPTOWN, NY – As the Jefferson’s theme song goes I’m movin on up, from pinch hitter to platoon player. I’ll be taking over Sam’s-A-Fan corner outfield spot every other Friday. Sam did terrific work in a thankless job but finally landed on the DL with writers cramp. Hopefully he’ll be back soon for some pinch hit columns.
A few Saturday’s ago I unveiled The Shallot, our MTM’s take on The Onion. Here now is our second edition:
Libyan Leader to Purchase Mets
Lost in Muammar al-Gaddafi’s 90 minute speech addressing the United Nation’s Security Council on Wednesday was his admission that he and his government had purchased a controlling interest of the New York Metropolitans baseball club. A Libyan official said that they had already received the approval of Commissioner Bud Selig. In a separate transaction, Mr. Selig also negotiated a dowery of two goats, a llama and a full oil tanker in order to allow Libyan Oil Minister Shiek Hassan Khalifa to take Selig’s 14 year old granddaughter Betsy as his 16th wife.
Mets spokesman Jay Horowitz confirmed the purchase and stated “the General insists he will not interfere with any of the baseball operations as long as every lineup card utilizes all the various spellings of his last name.” An example of which was then distributed to the press:
1B – Kadafi
2B – Gadhafi
3B – Qadhafi
LF – Khadafy
CF – Gaddafi
RF – Qadhaffi
C – Kadhafi
P – Qadaffi
Muammar Shows off Mets New Uniforms
Gary Sheffield for one applauds the move, exclaiming “maybe someone around here will finally pay me some damn money. I’ll play right field butt naked if he pays me enough.”
Mr. Met To Have Beachball Sized Tumor Removed
In a sad revelation the Mets announced that Mr. Met will undergo emergency surgery tomorrow to have a tumor removed from his head. Though benign, the tumor has been steadily growing since he was a boy and doctors are not sure how his face will appear after the procedure. Dr. Jonathan Zizmor has been enlisted to perform his world renown THERMAGE procedure on Mr. Met following the surgery.
The fact is that Mr. Met isn’t really a mascot but an orphan adopted by the Mets during their inaugural campaign. Carl Slade (aka Mr. Met) was a 14 year old student at Power Memorial when he decided to cut class to attend a Mets game at the Polo Grounds in April 1962. Upon entering the near empty stadium Casey Stengel mistook Slade for Mets 3B Don Zimmer and ordered him in the clubhouse. When Met team doctors first saw Slade they knew something was not right. “We had to stitch that boy up from chin to scalp because of that expanding head of his. He felt so comfortable around the staff we just kinda took a shine to that child” professed Dr. James Parkes. “He’d spend day after day at the Polo Grounds sitting in that hot sun until his skin turned tough as horsehide. Soon enough we just petitioned to have him named a ward of the Mets and that petition was granted in September 1962”. He’s been with the Mets ever since. Met team doctors refused to answer questions as to how this growth went undetected for 47 years.
As always I look forward to your letters to the editor.