RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – Rio? Really?! Come on. As John McEnroe would so infamously scream: “You can’t be serious!” Unfortunately, Mac, the Olympic Committee **is serious – as serious as hamstring surgery. Look, this isn’t about Chicago not being picked, we’re all fully aware that it is and always will be *Segunda Cidade when it comes to sports, regardless of the competition. BUT, and this is A HUGE BUT, picking Rio over Chi-Town is a serious *falha. If you go out at night, you better have Snake Plissken or Indiana Jones with you because it’s frogging loco! We know. We’ve been there. And we were with 26 fellow rugby players, predominantly large and fearless and of many nationalities. And guess what?

The local riff-raff relentlessly tried to rob us and we had multiple shake downs from corrupt, rogue cops. Think about your Aunt and Uncle from Europe or Detroit (wait, Motown is a lot like Rio) go down there on their Olympic Vacation. Not pretty. Yet, we all got to see this announcement from that cut-up Jacques Rogge, yesterday afternoon:

The parents of these committee members were likely the on the committee that decided to put the subway ABOVE GROUND in Queens. Imagine how cool Long Island City and Astoria would be if that ugly, rusted, noisy trestle didn’t drip water with who-knows-what in it or obscure store fronts while blocking the sunshine. They would be cooler versions of Hoboken or Brooklyn Heights.

Look, we don’t wish any ill-will on the people of Brazil. They have poverty, oppression and corruption out the wazoo. But choosing this Blade Runner-type city to host an event of this magnitude wasn’t a humanitarian pick; it was simply a pusillanimous attempt at political correctness. And it could be disastrous.

Before you call us Grumpy Pants, read our reasons for being such pessi-Matts first:

  • Infrastructure: Plumbing? What’s your definition of plumbing? Is is the kind that you can’t flush toilet paper because the ancient pipes are made of ceramic tile which catch any paper – thus clogging the system? If you close your eyes, you can conjure up what that smells like. If you can’t, maybe you can imagine a whiff of a small garbage pail overflowing with used Charmin. Lovely.
  • Chicken Buses: Have you ever ridden a Chicken Bus. We have, way too much. They are old yellow school buses from the States that are given crazy paint jobs and driven by lunatics. They have a guy hanging out the back door swinging suit cases to the roof – while the bus is speeding along. THIS is Brazil’s idea of Public Transportation.
  • Swimming In Sh_t: We know surfing star/eco crusader Kelly Slater will back us up on this. We had one of those fortunate moments – the kind that you don’t really deserve or understand – at the Hotel Ipanema, right on the ocean. It was a beautiful day, perfect for the beach and <*strong>azul southern Atlantic that was directly across the street. Yet, we all migrated to the rooftop pool after checking in to steady the hands with a *cerveja and plan our 3 lane journey. Then came the divine intervention:
    Pool + Bar + Roof + Sun = No Swimming In Sh_t
    While strategizing, somebody noticed the brown stream jetting out into the ocean, two doors south of us. The locals seemed oblivious as they dived and body surfed. We all gravitated over and found out from the bartender that it was sewage. He also pointed to the tanker about a half mile out spraying stuff. More sewage. He summed it up, “Third World, man. Third World. Everybody pays to dump their sh_t.
  • Exhaust Pipes: Oh wait, the cars down there don’t have any. That’s why part of Brazil’s Olympic bid addressed the carbon monoxide problem that is rampant there and pretty much nullifying the sacrifices of the world’s Ed Begley, Jrs. out there. And this ain’t China, folks. China has money to make changes when needed. Brazil doesn’t. In fact this is their solution as per their pitch: We promise to plant 14,000,000 trees. Ironically, they’ve chosen this fella account for every single one of them:
  • Considering the aforementioned, we can’t help but feel Chicago got Steve Bartman-ed, yet again. Rio? Come on. The Windy City can’t beat that?! That’s *touro caga!

    That’s all for today, Rex O’Rourke, who is 8-1 with his football picks, tomorrow. We’re off to the salon for a waxing.

    *Practice your Portuguese!

    **Grammar Fact: In Australia, they would write: “The Olympic Committee are serious.”

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