NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

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By Rex O’Rourke

New York, N.Y. – It’s time for some of our most famous sports figures to make their New Year’s Resolutions. So without further ado…

  • Omar Minaya – I vow to emerge from from my self induced coma and begin the process of finding a first baseman, second baseman, right fielder, left fielder, catcher, and half a pitching staff.
    Additionally, I will hire players regardless of race, color, or creed.
  • Brett Favre – Shortly after the season ends I will inform my team of my intentions for the 2010 campaign and I will stick to my decision.
  • Shannon Sharpe – I will hire a voice coach since currently no one can understand a word I’m saying.
  • Al Davis – I will hire a GM and stop wearing sweat suits.
  • Vin Scully – I will not retire.
  • LeBron James – I will stop covering the first two rows in talcum powder, stop getting tattoos, stop side line dancing, and come to the realization that until I win a ring or three, I’m Charles Barkley with a better body. I’m going to ask myself, “What would Michael do?”
  • Charles Barkley – I vow not to change a thing, especially my golf swing, which is hilarious.
  • Jose Reyes – I will play hurt.
  • Johnny Damon – I will realize Scott Boras is an idiot and take a two year deal to resign with The Yankees. I mean really, where else am I going to go?
  • Brad Childress – I will shave my beard. My head looks like it’s on upside down. Also, I vow never to wear Wranglers.
  • Urban Meyer – I will eat my vegetables and do what the doctors tell me.
  • Ozzie Guillen – I promise not to change a thing.
  • And finally…

  • Tiger Woods – I vow to be a one woman man; faithful, loyal, and loving. What’s that? She’s divorcing me?! Never mind!
  • As for my once stellar football picks, the ship has started to take on water lately, so follow my advice at your own risk. After an 0-2-1 week I stand at a still very respectable 26-16-3. However, my confidence is waning a bit. This week I like The PACKERS (-14) over The Seahawks, am smitten with The Ravens (+2.5) over The STEELERS, and love The EAGLES (-7) over The Broncos.

    Happy New Year,
    Rex

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