by Dr. Diz

CUT -N- SHOOT, TEXAS – December, and a young man’s fancy turns to the bowl season. Starting today, the pooh-bahs of college pigskin will play a whopping 34 bowl games. Which means that 68, or over half, of the Division I college teams will be eligible to play in a bowl. We could have a playoff. We could have a full, 32 team playoff that would utilize 31 of the bowls. The winners of the 11 conferences plus the other top 21 rated teams.

It’s workable. And most of the current bowls would get to remain, plus the worst teams would be at least 8-4 . But noooooooooo… Instead we have the BCS.

The problem with the BCS isn’t really who is number one. The real problem is with the undercard bowls. Because with 34 bowls and no play off, that means a heck of a lot of really crappy 7-5 or 6-6 teams get to go to a bowl.

Someone pass the Sani-Flush.

In honor of these shameless shucksters of hype, purveyors of spin, and barkers of shill, here are the bottom ten bowls this year, rated from one turd (slightly stinky) to five turds (aftermath of a cheese burrito dinner), in the order of their game play date:

New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State (8-4, WAC) vs. Wyoming (6-6, Mountain West)3 Turds. This flusher kicks off the bowl season today. Fresno State is halfway decent but Wyoming? Cowboy up, it’s Brokeback Mountain time. Hey, New Mexico’s pretty liberal on all that stuff, right?

chef-boyardee.jpgLittle Ceasar’s Bowl(12/26). Ohio (9-4, MAC) vs. Marshall (6-6, Conference USA). 4 turds. Another game in which a half decent mid tier conference team gets a crappy mid tier conference team. This thing is named after pizza that makes Chef BoyArDee canned ravioli look like fine Italian cuisine, and is played in Detroit. If that doesn’t turn your stomach, I don’t know what will.

Gaylor Hotels Music City (12/27). Clemson (8-5 ACC,) vs. Kentucky (7-5 SEC) – 1 Turd. Both these teams had mediocre seasons, but got picked to go to this bowl in Nashville because their redneck, hillbilly fan base will follow them just about anywhere. They should have a delightful time listening to the Grand ol’ Opry and eating fried chcken at The Cock of the Walk Restaurant. But their cheerleaders are hot, so only one turd here.

Independence (12/28). em>Georgia (7-5 SEC) vs. Texas A&M (6-6, Big 12) – 3 Turds. The Aggies of A&M did give Texas a good game…but also lost 62-14 to Kansas State, 65-10 to Oklahoma and 47-19 to Arkansas. But they are another school with a rabid fan base, so we get to …whup, gig em….watch them play a middle of the road Georgia Bulldog squad in a so what game.

Eagle Bank (12/29) Temple (9-3 MAC) vs. UCLA (6-6, PAC-10) – 2 Turds. Temple was so bad for so long that they got kicked out…that’s right, kicked out…of the Big East. So, joining the MAC and loading their schedule up with patsies, they managed to actually win 9 games and get into their first bowl game in a generation. They get to play a putrid 6-6 UCLA squad. They’ll lose.

Humanitarian (12/30) Idaho (7-5, WAC) vs. Bowling Green (7-5, MAC) – 5 Turds. It would be humanitarian if they called this thing off. Two crappy 7-5 schools from crappy mid tier leagues square off in crappy Boise Idaho, where they will have crappy weather and the crappy blue field will make you think you’re having a flashback from all that crappy stuff you “experimented” with in your college days (or daze). This will be about as much fun as watching your drinking buddy upchuck in the back seat of your vehicle after one too many at the tailgate party. Did I say it was a crappy game?

puking_white_spew1.jpg Insight. (12/31). Iowa State (6-6, Big 12) vs. Minnesota (6-6, Big 10) – 5 Turds. A stunning example of a lousy bowl game. How’s this for an insight ? Have a couple of teams who have actual winning records at your friggin bowl, so it will be of interest to those of us who do not live in Minneapolis or Des Moines.


Bell Helicopter Armed Forces (12/31). Houston (10-3, conference USA) vs. Air Force (7-5, Mountain West). – 2 Turds. On the surface, not a bad game. Houston was actually in the top 25 most of the season. Except they played this game last year. With the same two teams. In Fort Worth. Just like this year. Again. Yawn.

stinky-face-man.jpg Alamo (1/2) Texas Tech (8-4, Big 12) vs. Michigan State (6-6, Big 10) – 5 Turds. Texas Tech’s record is always padded by a non conference schedule that brings the word “cupcake” to mind. This year was no exception, as they loaded up with a 1-11 New Mexico team, a 1-11 Rice team and a Division 1AA South Dakota team. They face a Michigan team that has eight, count em’, eight starters suspended for misbehavin’. And, of their six wins, three came against Division I-AA Montana State and MAC teams Western Michigan and Central Michigan. Stinky, stinky, stinky.

International (1/2). USF (7-5 Big East) vs. Northern Illinois (7-5 MAC). 4 turds. Two more lousy 7-5 teams. Will anyone that is not an alumni watch? This thing is played in Toronto, so maybe they should use CFL rules just for grins and giggles.

Now, aren’t you glad we don’t have a playoff? Rex O’Rourke, tomorrow.

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About Dr. Diz 50 Articles
Doc Diz resides in Fort Worth, Texas for the past 15 years. When not playing old boys rugby or skiing, he is known for sampling Maker's Mark for its medicinal qualities. A native of Connecticut, the Doc has managed to move around enough to have lived in all four US time zones, which has allowed him to get a little perspective from west of the Hudson where guns, drilling for oil and gas and Big Gulp soda pops are still legal.