NO HOLES BARRED, FL â€“ Itâ€™s no secret that weâ€™re shameless publicity whores trying to make a tooney or two with this whole Matts thing. Thatâ€™s why weâ€™re down here prowling about Tigerâ€™s den, sniffing for any shot at spiking hits on MTM. This overtly covert undertaking â€“ Operation Menage Tiger – has two obvious obstacles:
#1: While itâ€™s now abundantly clear that our prey is willing to be known For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, weâ€™re relying on said Tigerâ€™s willingness for a little Pinch-n-Tickle with cats of the same gender. In golfing terms, weâ€™re hoping heâ€™s up for changing his putter grip and swingingâ€¦ differently.
â€œHa!â€ you say. â€œMatts, it matters not that youâ€™re tempting him with Replacement Matt and Different Matt; homosexuality is a human choice. Itâ€™s not something you find in Nature. Just ask Glen Beck.â€
Oh contraire, Le Mattville. We have substantial evidence – Karen C. Fox’s USA Today Blurb – that the birds & the bees do indeed hum in the locker room. After all, what does a gay horse eat? Wait… Think. Own it. Sink that putt… Here’s the answer: Hey!
Blurt the “Hey!” like Charles Nelson Riley to get the joke.
Anyway, back to the “Animal” Kingdom: Female albatrosses can bond to raise their young. Male fruit flies may sniff the odd undercarriage because of a genes that allow them to smell both sexes. (Is that why they’re fruit flies???) Bonobo apes may engage in same-sex sex to ease tension and young dolphins sometimes imbibe as part of social bonding.
Hugging. Aqua uniforms. Zach Thomas’ outfit up top… As Terrell Owens said of gay Eagles, “If it walks like a duck…”
With the hope that there is hope in Tiger’s open-mindedness, we still have this hurdle:
#2: Other Publcity Starved Celebs… This is where we really face our biggest challenge. First of all, we’re not really celebs. Secondly, the willingness of Rush Limbaugh/Lindsay Lohan, Mario Lopez, Keith Olberman and Ron Artest to so unabashedly sell their souls for airtime is daunting for most – but we’re up to the task; we can be as douchey as anyone. The Rush/Lindsay combo could really jeopardize our mission, though, as there’s no predicting what depths/lengths these two are willing to subject themselves. Estonian Matt photographed them plotting together at a restaurant near Tiger’s lair late last night – allegedly – which doesn’t bode well for us. Heck, we’re just rookies at this – they are pros! Still, we like our chances with Replacement Matt & Different Matt over any of these whores, as our guys happily ditched their dignity for a couple of cheap beers, while the competition needed the promise of some major cash.
We’ll stop here because we have to get Matts Replacement & Different out there before their Ambien haze starts to wear off – Tigers love the Ambien thing. Please chime in below, tell some people about us and prepare to be dazzle yet again by our creative cutie Cookie, tomorrow.