[ed: make that three days]
WEST PALM BEACH, FL – It’s pretty darn hot down here right now. Though, where isn’t it? Anyway, I completely ignored the conditions and went right ahead with my plan to see how many Dark n’ Stormys I could consume in 24 hours. Big mistake. The cops picked me up walking down the middle of PGA Boulevard like some Caucasoid version of Martin Lawrence, clutching a bottle of Goslings, and screaming Stephen Bishop’s “On and On” at the top of my lungs at passing cars. I spent the last couple of days at a lovely place they called Whispering Palms Nervous Hospital. I thought I needed to catch up on my MTM reading but understand that, like myself, the site has been off the grid for a spell. After a little investigation, I’ve come up with some leads as to why. Here now, the Top 10 Reasons Meet the Matts Went Missing for Two Days.
10. Our former web server, Site5.com, is apparently powered by Jose Reyes’ hamstrings.
9. The site was serving a two day suspension for starting a bench-clearing brawl with groupon.com.
8. An MTM IT staffer spilled a bottle of Jeremiah Weed on Short Matt’s laptop and the whole thing went kerflooey.
7. Much like Roy Halladay, MeettheMatts.com was felled by heat prostration and has been on a glucose drip for the past 48 hours.
6. President Obama ordered the site down when it was revealed that forced viewings of it had replaced waterboarding as the CIA’s go-to torture at Guantanamo Bay.
5. We don’t know, but we’re pretty darn sure that Fred and Jeff Wilpon are mixed up in it.
4. Grote2DMax injured his hands in a freak texting accident and the Matts didn’t want him to lose his consecutive posts streak.
3. We got hacked by Brett Favre’s penis.
2. It was the perfect storm of sunspots, the tides, and Brian Wilson’s beard.
1. The site was last seen partying with Casey Anthony and later found drugged and duct-taped in a field. It’s OK now though.