Elmo: The Patron Saint of Car Wrecks

NEW YORK, NY – Today’s post was inspired by St. Elmo’s Fire, a movie so monumentally awful that it can only be classified as a car wreck. Yet, if a nation full of rubber-necking drivers has taught us nothing, it’s that some car wrecks are well worth watching. And SEF is no exception. From Rob Lowe’s laughable turn as a bad boy saxophonist (his band plays a halloween gig that will leave you howling) to Demi Moore’s coked out princess (was she even acting?) to the irrepressible scenery chewing of Judd Nelson (a nostril-flaring revelation), the movie is a tour de farce. And that’s not even getting started on Andie MacDowell! Words can’t do her performance justice. Anyway, just like good ol’ St. Elmo’s, there’s been no shortage of must-see sports-related car wrecks over the years. Here’s a quick look:

Tears for Fears

Boxing. Perhaps no sport has offered as many cringe-inducing moments as the sweet science. Some of the more recent don’t-miss disasters include: Mike Tyson biting off Evander Holyfield’s ear, Andrew Golota mistaking Riddick Bowe’s undercarriage for a punching bag (in two separate bouts!), Oliver McCall openly weeping in the middle of his title fight with Lennox Lewis, and any match refereed by Richard Steele.

Football. As the 2011 season prepares to kick off, the two guys who’ve provided the most awkward/awful moments over the past decade, Brett Favre and Terrell Owens, are on the outside looking in. What a shame. Would it be asking too much to see Brett and T.O. play one last season, as teammates? Seriously, how great would that be? Four whole months of driveway sit-ups, finger pointing, and geriatric sexting topped off by an apocalyptic final game filled with key dropped passes, a sideline blow-up, and the signature Favre interception ending. Awesome.

With that cap and attitude, Avery's really asking for it.

Hockey. NHL car wreck, thy name is Sean Avery. Reviled by opponents and teammates alike, Avery will take the spotlight any way he can get it. He’s a goon, he’s a fashionista, he’s a douche! He can be anything you want him to be… except likable. Most recently he’s taken his game to the LAPD, getting arrested for shoving a cop this past weekend then calling the arresting officers “…fat little pigs.” Historically, cops don’t react well to this sort of thing, just ask Fletch. Whatever the case, sooner or later he’s gonna antagonize the wrong person, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Baseball. Is everyone familiar with the Final Destination movie series? If not, the premise is simple, a bunch of well-groomed young adults cheat death in some manner and then spend the rest of the movie running like hell from the icy hand of the grim reaper. Anyway, Final Destination 5 opens this Friday, but I’d like to suggest that you save your money and watch the New York Mets instead. The Metropolitans have the FD Formula down pat and it’s much scarier than anything Hollywood can dream up. By the end of each season, their team looks like it’s been run through a meat grinder, and this year is no exception. Ike Davis, that little ankle tweak you’ve been feeling just got a whole lot worse, but at least you’re still breathing. Jose Reyes, you could be in for a huge payday next year. Uh oh, was that your hamstring or did someone just saw a banjo in half? What a great season you’re having Daniel Murphy, now get on that DL with a season-ending knee injury. Hey, what’s David Wright doing back so soon? Guess we’re gonna have to take him out again in some new, hideous fashion. Apparently, the only thing keeping Jason Bay in the lineup is his ability to play dead so damn well.

Lori Levine, a girl who we’re sure has dated her share of car wrecks, is up tomorrow.

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About Angry Ward 751 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.