NEW YORK, NY –People root for teams for all sorts of reasons. Some do so because the team is based where they live. Some because it isn’t. Some like the way the uniform looks. Others gravitate toward a club because they like a particular player. And still others jump on board because their Dads threatened them with physical violence if they didn’t. Finally, there are those that just want to fit in with the crowd, any crowd, and a handful who hope that a team affiliation will help land them a husband. Whatever the case, once you choose, there are certain things that your team says about you as a person. Take a deep breath and relax, this will only take a minute.
Arizona Diamondbacks. Eagles Greatest Hit Vol. 1 plays on a continuous loop inside your head. You also like to golf.
Atlanta Braves. You might be a redneck.
Baltimore Orioles. You are currently taking an anti-depressant whose side effects could include one or more of the following: Shingletons, Markakis malaria, Angelos acne, itchy Palmers, Showalter seizures, Ripken withdrawal, Bumbry bumps, Sakata fever.
Boston Red Sox. Alcoholic.
Chicago White Sox. Not a day goes by when you don’t think about setting a car on fire.
Chicago Cubs. Turn ons include: long walks along the beach, restaurants with fireplaces, and sketch comedy. Turn offs: humidity and phony people.
Cincinnati Reds. Your favorite movie is Summer School, starring Mark Harmon.
Cleveland Indians. You’ve made your share of mistakes by the lake, as well as other bodies of water.
Colorado Rockies. Jesus is just alright with you.
Detroit Tigers. Unemployed.
Florida Marlins. You like Jimmy Buffett, big tits, conch fritters, and the Marlins, whenever they’re in the Series.
Houston Astros. Houston Astros fan, you have a problem.
Kansas City Royals. Calm on the outside, your inner soul rages like George Brett getting called out in the Pine Tar game.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. You yearn to be part of something that isn’t affiliated with Disney.
Los Angeles Dodgers. You always wish that there were more time to talk about you.
Milwaukee Brewers. So affable it can be annoying at times.
Minnesota Twins. You feel like a winner, even though your track record shows otherwise.
New York Mets. You crave exquisite pain. In fact, you have a secret S & M dungeon in your basement with three flat screens playing nothing but Jerry Manuel post game press conferences.
New York Yankees. Your name is Vito, Tony, or Jose. You love rings, not just World Series rings, high school rings, pinky rings, any kind of jewelry really. You also have a Scarface poster hanging somewhere in your apartment.
Oakland Athletics. Blue collar bon vivant.
Philadelphia Phillies. Best case scenario, you are a drug-addicted degenerate gambler who beats his wife and dog. Worst case? Mass murderer, Republican, or both.
Pittsburgh Pirates. You have a big fat personality to go along with your big fat body.
San Diego Padres. All you need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and you’re fine.
San Francisco Giants. For the last time, you are not gay!
Seattle Mariners. Jittery… and it has nothing to do with the coffee..
St. Louis Cardinals. You think the Gateway Arch is a masterpiece of modern architecture and that Budweiser is great beer. This is probably all for the best.
Tampa Bay Rays. Retired, retarded, or in rehab.
Texas Rangers. You’re proud to be an American, where at least you know you’re free… even though you also feel like we’ve got a pinko in the White House.
Toronto Blue Jays. You’re either Canadian or a bird enthusiast.
Washington Nationals. You are having an affair with a congressional page. Pretty soon they will have to be silenced. But, how? How???
Here’s hoping we get a luscious Lori Levine tomorrow.