Steer clear of this hombre 'til Halloween

NEW YORK, NY – Except for on the calendar, summer’s over. How do I know this? For starters, the first full weeks of college and pro football are in the books and already things ain’t lookin’ so hot for my teams. Secondly, I have around two fingers worth of Goslings left and no plans on buying a new bottle, which means Bon Voyage Dark n’ Stormys until next summer or the next trip to Florida. Finally, Short Mattis no longer wearing his Cousin Eddie-issue white dress shoes, a surefire indicator that the crazy, hazy, lazy days are officially kaput. It’s not so bad though. I, for one, welcome the arrival of Autumn in the New York metropolitan area. It’s probably my favorite time of year. That’s not to say that it’s all good. Here’s a look at the ledger:

Plus: Baseball season is over. Sure there are still meaningful games to be played, but not if you’re a fan of  an also-ran or a never-was. You can officially focus your attention elsewhere, just as supporters of the Orioles, Astros, and Twins did back in June.

A Jack, a jerk, Dame Edna, and friend

Minus: Baseball season isn’t over. You should be done watching, except for one thing… the Yankees are back in the playoffs and could be good enough to earn yet another trip to the Fall Classic. Pass the Pepto.

Plus: The Yankees are in the playoffs! If you’re a hater you must admit to yourself that, come October, you want the Yankees in the playoffs, you need the Yankees in the playoffs. They use words like tradition and pride and have a YMCA-dancing grounds crew and annoying fans like Billy Crystal, Lorne Michaels, and a former Beatle who now looks more Margaret Thatcher than McCartney, coming out of the woodwork. You use these things as punchlines. Enjoy.

There are always some exceptions.

Minus: Chicks in sweaters. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as bad as the baggy sweatshirt look of the mid- to late-80s, but it’s just not getting it done. There’s gotta be a better Fall frock for the femininas. Cookie and Levine, you’re in charge of this.

Plus: Food carts and homeless folks don’t smell as bad. Walk by a hot pretzel- or honey roasted peanut-cart on a 90-degree day and you want to kick the damn thing over. In Fall, you want to linger. As for the homeless, I think I may have accidentally stumbled onto a great idea for anyone that’s even mildly enterprising. I caught wind of some dude who smelled remarkably like a urinal leaving my gym (Planet Fitness) the other day with an application, and it got me to thinking: If I were homeless I would spend the next month collecting bottles and cans till I had a hundred bucks and then I’d buy a PF one-year membership for $99. Why not? Except for major holidays, the place is open 24 hours 7 days a week. You’ve got showers, heat and hot water, and they even give out free bagels and pizza once a month. You’ve also got a place to park yourself during the cold winter months and, as a bonus, get to scare the bejesus out of those annoying guys that like to look at themselves in the mirror. Trust me, it’s a great idea.

Former MTM interns

Minus: Four+ months of Mark Sanchez. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why everyone is so gung ho on this guy. He’s as average a quarterback as they come. New York, of all places, should not celebrate mediocrity like this. Until further notice, this guy is nothing more than Rex Ryan hype, half truths, and gorilla dust.

Plus: NBA Lockout, baby! This can only mean one thing. The return of arena rock! It’s been way too long since the likes of Journey, Genesis, and Foreigner played MSG and the Nassau Coliseum. We’re not forgetting about you metalheads either. There’s plenty of room in these empty venues for the likes of Motley Crue, Ratt, and Iron Maiden.

Minus: No more ice cream trucks. Sure you can buy ice cream other places, but it’s just not the same. Just ask the kid in the photo up top.

Plus: The lovely and talented Lori Levine should be posting tomorrow and, hopefully, for the foreseeable future.

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About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.