NEW YORK, NY – So it seems the United States Postal Service may be about to default on a $5.5 billion health care related trust fund for its retirees. This is just awful. I can’t stand the thought of all of those ex letter carriers who will no longer be able to afford Doan’s back pills, fire arms, and arch supports. What’s worse is, in order to make up for this giant financial deficit, the USPS is talking about closing all post offices on Saturdays and suspending mail deliveries on that day as well. Sounds like the beginning of the end. It’s time to send out those greeting cards you’ve been putting off. Like these:
Our deepest condolences on the loss of your golf game. We can only hope that you find some solace in the generous bosom of some slutty event planner or horny pr assistant during your time of need.
Yours in sorrow,
Congratulations Antonio Cromartie!
It’s a boy! It’s a girl! It’s another girl! It’s two more boys! It’s… For crissakes man, here’s twenty bucks, go out and buy some f**king condoms will ya?
Your Friends at Planned Parenthood
Get well soon Peyton Manning.
It must make you feel good to know that there are millions of people out there praying for your speedy recovery. Don’t let it bother you that most of those people really could give a rats ass about your health the other half of the year.
The Association of Fantasy Football Geeks
Be My Valentine, Lori Levine?
I’d give up tenure for just one date with you. Your sharp wit, sultry looks, and sassy attitude all receive an A+ in the grading book that is my heart. Please teach me how to love again.
The Public Professor (Ed. note: We were happy to play Cyrano for the Prof on this one.)
Happy Bar Mitzvah David Einhorn!
Today you are a man. Here’s your $200 million back. Buy yourself something nice… like a hi fi system or a hockey team.
Uncle Fred and Cousin Jeff Wilpon
Labor Day can be a bummer when you’re not working, but keep your chinstrap up. That phone is going to ring, we just know it. Though don’t blame us if it’s your ex-wife’s attorney.
All the best,
Happy Mother’s Day (insert your name here)!
Bon Voyage, Notre Dame Football!
To celebrate your season-opening home loss to pigskin powerhouse South Florida, we’re sending you on a cruise to nowhere and filling your time slot with The World’s Wackiest Plastic Surgery Bloopers. Have a great trip.
NBC Programming Dept.
Happy Anniversary, Joe Buck.
It’s been 10 torturous years since you took over NFL play-by-play duties for FOX from lovable alcoholic Pat Summerall. Where has the time gone? Seriously, I need to know. Can we please end this wretched marriage between you and football now?
Lori Levine, who always delivers, is up tomorrow.