ANGRY WARD WEDNESDAY: SPORTS IN A FLASH!

Angela Rypien: The Best QB in Seattle

NEW YORK, NY – Time is precious these days so I am giving myself a half hour to write this week’s column. I doubt whether you’ll even be able to notice the difference. Just think of it as the MeetTheMatts version of the no-huddle. All right then, let’s hustle up to the line and get it going.

Pro Football. We’re approaching the halfway point of the NFL season and here’s what we know so far. The AFC has two full divisions that absolutely suck, yet two playoff teams will eventually emerge from the South and West. Chris Johnson stole $30 million from Bud Adams and, even though he’s the supposed cornerstone of my fantasy football team, I find this hilarious. The Packers and Saints should just play the Super Bowl right now. Seahawks coach Pete Carroll wouldn’t know a good quarterback if one came up and bit him on the ankle. With Tarvaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst as his only two options he should seriously consider signing former Super Bowl MVP Mark Rypien’s daughter Angela away from the LFL’s Seattle Mist.

Wasn't this guy in "Dazed and Confused?"

Major League Baseball. The most curious thing about the World Series thus far has been Rangers starting pitcher Derek Holland’s wisp of a mustache. What the hell is that thing? It’s no wonder he bamboozled Cardinals hitters the other night. They probably thought they were facing their Junior High School yearbooks.  Anyway, this thing needs a nickname, pronto. “The Lone Stranger“? “Mr. Holland’s Nopus“? “Linty the Chick Magnet“? C’mon people, we need ideas.

Pro Basketball. No news is good news. The glorious lockout continues and basketball groupies from coast to coast are forced to find other means by which to get pregnant and collect child support payments.

College Athletics. Kate Upton is 19, which is old enough to be attending college, but apparently she’s not. Which raises the question: Shouldn’t big time colleges recruit supermodels and other impossibly beautiful women the way they do athletes? Where would you rather go, to the school with the great football team or the one with wall-to-wall hotties?

Kate's thirsty... for knowledge.

Hockey. After a long hiatus from the NHL, I am officially following the Minnesota Wild this year. I just wish they could reclaim North Stars as their rightful team name and get one of the best sports uniforms ever, back. This should become sports law. Whenever a team moves from one city to another, the name and uniform should remain property of the city that was abandoned. That way I won’t have to suffer through the humiliation of the Los Angeles Vikings, when the time comes.

Boxing. Only 61 days until Boxing Day in Canada. A friendly reminder from everyone here at MeetTheMatts. It’s never too early to start that holiday shopping, eh?

There ya go. That’s it. Done! Granted it took 33 minutes, but that included the break I took to play something my daughter calls “ghost tag.”  Tune in tomorrow for someone  or something other than me.

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About Angry Ward 672 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.