Angry Ward Wednesday: Trading Places

Corzine & Madoff???

NEW YORK, NY – With the holidays upon us, I’ve recently been catching up on some old cinematic favorites. Sure, I checked out It’s a Wonderful Life on NBC for the umpteenth time, Christmas Vacation every time it pops up on any number of channels, and, of course, A Christmas Story (with no commercials on TCM) for what Different Matt would call the “Eleventy Billionth time.”

But all of those gems aside, I also went out of my way to order Trading Places on Netflix (who knew they were still in business?). I gotta say, the unmistakable 80s vibe aside, Trading Places not only holds up, it actually seems incredibly current, given our present economic climate. Its overall message about greed and the “haves” and “have nots” seems more timely today than ever. Replace Ralph Bellamy and Don Ameche’s Randolph and Mortimer Duke with, say, Rex & Rob Ryan playing corporate fat cats Bernie Madoff and Jon Corzine, and you’ve got yourself a nice remake. That aside, other reasons to like Trading Places include: Dan Aykroyd’s hilarious drunken Santa routine, complete with eating salmon through a dingy beard, the unapologetic use of the N-word by Don Ameche, Eddie Murphy still being funny, Senator Al Franken as a drunken railroad baggage handler, Ralph Bellamy’s hilarious commodities tutorial to Billy Ray Valentine, the naked chick in Billy Ray’s bedroom, the Constance Frye song at the Heritage Club, and  Jamie Lee Curtis’ surprisingly hot t!ts (who knew?), to name a few. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah, here are some folks we’d like to see trade places…

The Original Bad Santa

Tim Tebow and Joe Namath. Where to begin? Tebow would have a Super Bowl under his belt as well as many, many, many notches on the old bedpost. Namath? He’d be young again and a virgin and that Suzy Kolber incident never happened. Edge: Even.

Lindsay Lohan and Marilyn Monroe. Lohan would have her reputation cemented as both a Playboy and motion picture icon and she’d already be dead. Monroe would just now be posing for Hef, but her career would be dead. Edge: Lohan.

Lebron James and Kris Humphries. Lebron is now a washed up reality star who was for one hot second married to a chick who banged every able-bodied athlete around and playing for the Nets. Humphries is a basketball superstar living in Miami, hoping Dwyane Wade wins him a championship. Edge: Humphries.

Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine. Jerry Sandusky would now be more of a hobbyist pedophile while Bernie Fine would be the gold standard for predatory monsters. Both would be on the fast track for lotsa prison shower horseplay. Edge: Let’s just move on, shall we?

Marilindsay Monlohan

Sean Avery and Sidney Crosby.Avery swaps his fashionista sensibilities for a closet full of cobwebs and crippling headaches you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Meanwhile, Sid the Kid simply becomes a headache to coaches, teammates, and the occasional girlfriend. Edge: Crosby.

Cookie and Lori Levine. The thought of MTM’s two hottest Chosen Chicks swapping anything is an intriguing one. Cookie would inherit a top notch top shelf while Levine would now sport abs of steel. Cookie would be blonde, single, and a Giants fan. Levine would be rocking the whole brunette, triathlete, milf thing… though her football allegiances would be with the Broncos now. Hmm, this is a tough one. Edge: None. We like you girls just as you are.

Not sure who’s up for tomorrow’s column, but I wouldn’t trade places with them for the world.

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About Angry Ward 752 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.