NEW YORK, NY – It seems that far too many parents these days are allowing their children to be drawn to the dark side by rooting for the Yankees. Most of these folks are good people who just don’t understand the facts. Just because the Yankees win more often than any other baseball team doesn’t make it right for our children to root for them. I argue it is a terrible thing for a child to be allowed to grow up a Yankees fan. Here is why my children will not become Yankee fans. Hopefully I will convince you why your children shouldn’t be either.
The Yankees Are The 1% – Back in my father’s day it was said that rooting for the Yankees was like rooting for U.S. Steel. It was a white collar guy’s team. The real blue collar/working class New Yorkers rooted for the NY Giants while everyone in Brooklyn loved their beloved Dodgers. Now rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Goldman Sachs. If you are a John Corzine fan who appreciates robbing from the working man so the rich can get richer then by all means let your kid become a Yankees fan. From Reggie Jackson to Dave Winfield to Alex Rodriguez to CC Sabathia the Yankees have driven baseball payrolls through the roof and it’s the average person who picks up the tab. Even non-baseball fans are stuck with extra high cable bills because FOX, YES, ESPN, etc. demand top dollar to pay these salaries. Anyone involved in the Occupy Wall Street movement who wears a Yankees cap is a hypocrite. Now that Zuccotti Park is off limits I propose OWS take over Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park. A human microphone impersonation of Bob Sheppard will be hilarious and uplifting at the same time.
Real Life Lessons – Our society has been stained by the “everyone is a winner” child rearing mentality of the past few decades. Everyone is not a winner. In baseball 29 teams are losers every year. Teach your kids it’s not the end of the world if your team doesn’t win every year. Explain to them that losing can be fun, like when you lost your virginity.
Being A Yankee Is Bad For Your Health – It is well known that Yankee Stadium is full of carcinogens. Why do you think so many Yankees have died before their time? Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, Thurman Munson, Mickey Mantle, Catfish Hunter, etc. Hell the fumes from that place even caused Cory Liddle to fly a plane into an Upper East Side building. Even associating with a Yankee can make you go mental. Look what has happened to Mindy McCready. One day you are this sweet 15-year-old country singer having an affair with Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens and then the next day you are found by Arkansas police hiding in a closet with your 5-year-old son, who you just happened to kidnap from your parents house, while you are seven months pregnant with twins. Don’t let this happen to your child. Just say no.
Save Money On Playoff Tickets – If your kid is a Yankees fan you will undoubtedly have to buy him tickets to a playoff round or two. Think how much money you’ll save if your son becomes a Mets fan. The Mets had six home playoff games in the past decade while the Yanks hosted over ten times that many. That’s a lot of loot you’ll be able to save. Give the kid half that savings each year to spend on whatever he likes and explain to him that not being a Yankees fan has allowed him to buy a snowboard and an iPad. That’s what I call a win, win situation for both father and son.
Just say yes to Angry Ward tomorrow.