Under the Mistletoe – What? You think I’m gonna create a list of stuff that I should change about myself? Nice Try. No, I’m doin’ just fine, thank you very much. Quite happy the way I am: middle age, middle class, no wife, no kids, a weekly poker game, and tenure. Now’s not the time to start screwing any of that that up. I’m good.
So instead, here’s a list of changes I want to see other people put into effect in 2012:
NBA: Notice what just happened? The season started two months late, and nobody cares. Why? Because nobody gave a sh!t about the NBA regular season to begin with! Seven months to play eighty games is a joke. And for what? So half the teams can make a post-season that takes another couple of months?
Lookie here NBA, it’s time to face reality. Your schedule is an endless, mindless marathon. And besides, 90% of America doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of it so long as the NFL is in action. So learn your lesson: start the regular season on Christmas from now on, cut the whole thing down to 50 games, and give it some meaning by allowing only the top 8 teams in the playoffs. It’s called “supply and demand.” Make it work for you.
NHL: You’ve got the same problem as the NBA: an interminable regular season and almost everyone makes the playoffs anyway. We love ya, but quit wasting our time. Either shorten the season or limit the number of teams in the playoffs. And more mustaches. We like mustaches.
MMA: Go away. Your predictable displays of violent homo-eroticism bore me.
Boxing: Get your act together so the MMA will go away. Open yourselves up to federal regulation because the cable networks and second rate criminals who’ve run your sport into the ground clearly can’t help themselves. Ditch the alphabet soup, ask Congress to mandate that you form one actual league, and ban all fighters over the age of 35 who don’t meet rigorous physical exams, including brain scans. I don’t need you to bring back the glory days; just do enough to help rid the world of the auto-erotic asphyxiation crotch-fest known as MMA.
MLB: Start taking the Baseball World Classic, or whatever the hell they call it, much more seriously. Baseball is a fantastic game, and you should be bringing it to the world. Maybe it’ll never be as popular as soccer, but it can grow a lot, and a biennial international tournament can help. Yes, I know, historically you have been by far and away the stupidest owners in the history of all sports. You’ve proven that time and time again. But here is a chance for redemption, an opportunity to elevate yourselves from Severely Mentally Retarded to just plain old Jack Ass Stupid. Which is a major step up.
NFL: Quit angling to put a team in L.A.. Few Angelinos actually give a sh!t, and absolutely no one else in the rest of the nation does. Ripping an established and beloved franchise out of another city would be a crime (I’m lookin’ at you, Buffalo). And for what? So L.A. can steal and then not support yet another sports franchise? C’mon, it might be the nation’s second largest market, but we all know L.A. is not a real sports town. It’s a suburban sports hole where the great weather means people only show up if the team’s winning. It’s like a really big Tampa Bay. Besides, you’ve made record profits without a team in L.A. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.