Boycott the Pro Bowl! Go to Mexico!

Me and Big Ben about to hit a High School...Uh...I mean club.

As I sit on the beautiful beaches of Cancun puffing on my Montecristo No. 2, sipping the cheap all-inclusive tequila with my friend Big Ben, I am reminded why this week is the best week to vacation every year. The week between the NFC/AFC championship games and the Super Bowl is the crappiest week in sports. There isn’t baseball yet. I can’t watch hockey because Time Warner won’t get their head out of their arses and the NBA just sucks.The only event going on is the Pro Bowl.

Well I say: F@$%! the Pro Bowl!

To begin with, in the dead of winter the last thing I want is to be reminded that it is super cold by a bunch of fat asses in hula shirts walking around in 80 degree weather.  Then take into account that the best players never play in the Pro Bowl. Getting selected for the Pro Bowl is about what you did two years ago not this season.  Many of the players don’t deserve to be in the Probowl (Antonio Gates, Dwight Freeney, Greg Jennings) and many of the deserving players get snubbed (Victor Cruz).  This year Phillip Rivers will be representing the AFC. So, you are telling me that if you lead the league in interceptions and have your worst personal season since your rookie year that you can QB the Pro Bowl? Fantastic. By that comparison where the hell is Mark Sanchez. At least the AFC QB could be pretty.  And lord knows that Hawaii needs Rex Ryan around.  Every busy port can use an extra buoy.

Can't you see the family resemblance?

Beyond the politics of the game the extra rules make it about as interesting as CSPAN. The sport of football cannot be played at anything below full speed or it looks like a bunch of pansies running around in tight pants.

Every other sport has realized that the all star games stink so what have they done?  They have created the Home Run Derby, the 3 Point and Dunk contests, and the NHL Skills Competition.  Those events are ten times more entertaining than the actual all star games.

So, I propose we scrap the Pro Bowl this weekend and take up one of the following more interesting options:

Purr Hoes Bowl.(say it 5 times fast)  Get all of the Pro Bowlers wives and girlfriends to suit up and have a bikini football game, preferably on a muddy field. If Jared Allen’s wife is as crazy as he is this will be no contest NFC wins. Plus, with the wives occupied, this gives Ben and I a chance to talk with everybody’s daughters.

Draught Bowl. Have the two worst teams play drinking games to determine the number 1 overall draft pick for the following year.  I bet Sam Bradford can take down more firewater than Dwight Freeney.

Pros vs. Celebs Bowl. If FOX can create 3 seasons of celeb boxing I’m sure they can get somebody to take a hit from Ray Lewis.  Hell, Danny Bonaducci would do anything to get on camera these days.  That crazy guy from “The Program” would surely oblige and Adam Sandler could QB.  Lord knows seeing him take a beating would be funnier than any movie he has made since “Billy Madison”.

We all got caught looking at

Alright I’m done. I got to get back to the bet Ben and I have going. First one to contract Chlamydia has to fly to Hawaii to QB Sunday.  Flacco is flying in later today. He wanted in on the bet, lol.  Like he has any game.  Ben and I told him, “Asking a girl if she wants a mustache ride only works when you have a Super Bowl ring.” He is more eager for some recognition than a Catholic school girl with a webcam.

In conclusion, Pro Bowl sucks. Mexico is awesome.  Remember this for next year.

Please leave your dos pesatas below and tell somebody about this site. Right now. Shoot somebody an email. Pay it forward, baby!

Different Matt, manana.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.