NEW YORK, NY – We are 1/122 of the way to proving Nostradamus and the Mayan’s wrong about the world ending this year. I am not exactly sure how it is supposed to transpire, whether it is a collision with Planet X or a geomagnetic pole reversal, but both of these impeccable sources say we are Elvis Patterson sometime this year. For the most part I hope those predictions are wrong but I am always willing to see the glass as half full so I do see some upside for the end of the world in 2012.
Here are some reasons I might consider the End Of TheWorld to be somewhat palatable:
I won’t have to come up with 51 more ideas for MeetTheMatts columns.
The Yankees will be stuck on 27 World Championships for eternity.
The Rams will not blow another top 5 draft pick.
My prediction that there will never be another Triple Crown Winner in horse racing will be proven true.
A Republican will never be President again.
Alex Rodriguez will not reach 700 home runs.
My never ending cycle of diaper changing twins will cease.
ESPN will not inundate me with useless rankings of 2013 draft prospects.
Jon Corzine will be dead.
The Bruins will forever be reigning Stanley Cup Champions.
I won’t have to hear another report from the “campaign trail”.
There will never be another Kardashian wedding.
We won’t have to see Rex Ryan on Dancing With The Stars.
Roger Clemens will never make it into the Hall of Fame.
My wife will never again be able to hijack the TV to watch The Bachelor.
Bobby Bonilla will stop collecting $1.2 million checks annually from the Mets.
The United States won’t be able to give another world leader cancer.
Stephen A. Smith will stop polluting our air waves.
Top Gun 2 will never be made.
I will never finish last again in my Fantasy Football league.
Dick Clark won’t have to embarrass himself on national TV on another New Year’s Eve.
Katy Perry will die alone.
FOX will finally have to stop making The Simpsons.
Tiger Woods will not break Golf’s Major win total of Jack Nicklaus.
Bret Saberhagen will stop collecting $250,000 checks annually from the Mets.
The end of the world would also mean the end of Angry Ward’s column every Wednesday, so you better read up tomorrow lest you will be kicking yourselves for eternity.