NEW YORK, NY – I know that the NFL playoffs are in full swing and literally blotting out every other sporting event under the sun, but I don’t care. The epic New Orleans/San Francisco tilt, the Giants beatdown of The Pack at Lambeau, and Brady’s six tds rescuing Tim Tebow’s virginity from a Ménage à MTM with Cookie and Lori, can all wait. Baseball is right around the corner and some things need to be said.
Dear Major League Baseball:
This is your last damn chance to do right by me! Here I was all prepared to go into the upcoming season with a positive outlook and instead I get hit with a one-two sucker punch. First you extend that old crank Bud Selig’s reign of terror as commissioner another two years. Incredibly, you’re paying that dried out bag of bones $22 million per year! Jesus Christ! Are you kidding me? That money would be better spent by someone like Pacman Jones. Why don’t you just give the guy a new heart and liver while you’re at it? But that wasn’t the worst of it.
In short, the rich just got a whole lot richer without breaking the bank, and my blood pressure just shot through the roof. Sure Seattle got Jesus Montero who supposedly can rake, but it remains to be seen if he can actually catch, or play any other position for that matter. Seeing as how the Yankees got another highly-touted young pitching prospect from the M’s, one can only hope that they at least had the decency to throw in Montero’s lady friend with the funbags you can spot from the atop the space needle… if not space itself. In any event, the Bombers rotation now looks pretty damn formidable with Sabathia, Pineda, Nova, and Kuroda filling out the top four spots and letting the rest of the rabble (Burnett, Hughes, and Garcia) battle it out for the 5th spot. Just thinking about it is giving me acid reflux.
1) Jose Reyes has a crappy year and the Marlins remain mediocre. This isn’t really asking much. I’d say the odds are at least 50/50.
2) Johan Santana comes back and wins at least 10 games. Again, not asking too much here.
3) Albert Pujols performs beneath his ridiculous contract… except when he plays the Yankees, when he turns into the Los Angeles Babe Ruth of Anaheim.
4) Free tickets. Hey, I still want to go to games but I’m done paying for seats. The one exception being the annual baseball trip with the likes of Grote2DMax, Ed Kranemule, and The Public Professor. Just being with those cut-ups is worth the price of admission, and then some.
5) Jonathan Papelbon proves more arsonist than fireman for the Phillies. Yet another very reasonable demand.
6) Ike Davis plays a full year for the Mets. Given the Mets’ sadistic training practices and medical staff, this one may be asking too much.
7) The Seattle Mariners win 80 games or, at the very least, start scoring some runs. (Note: Someone needs to tell Montero that Safeco ain’t that bandbox in the Bronx.)
8) No more Joe Buck! I don’t want a contract put out on the guy. Just disappear him into that warehouse where they stored the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders.
9) One of the truly crappy teams: Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Baltimore, and, yes, Seattle – somehow manages to make the playoffs.
10) The Yankees somehow don’t make the playoffs. Wait, that’s not gonna happen. How about the Yankees don’t make it to the World Series? Hmm, ok, maybe still asking too much. Fine. The Yankees don’t win the World Series.
There it is, baseball. Meet me half way here. You want that beer money, don’t you?
Lori Latrine… I mean Levine (I’m still thinking of that photo from CheesyBruin’s Sunday column) is back tomorrow.
