LOVE CANAL, NY – We are into the mid-winter doldrums when it comes to sports but luckily love is in the air. Today is Valentine’s Day and since the writers here at Meet The Matts are endless romantics, I thought it fitting to provide our lucky readers with a sporting guide to this special day.
Send A Card – At the bare minimum, you have to send a card. Sure you can stop into any Hallmark store and pick up a sappy “I love you this much“ card or you can be a sporting gentleman and get your special lady a mint condition Bobby Valentine rookie card. Maybe go that extra mile and get your hands on the yet to be released 2012 Topps card with Valentine as Red Sox manager. Not a fan of Bobby? No problem, you can send an Ellis Valentine card. They come a wide variety (Expos, Mets, Angels or Rangers). Remember, it is the thought that counts.
How Deep Is Your Love? – Today is the best time to drop hints as to how much you care about your Valentine. If this is a big commitment then 6’10” Kevin Love is your guy. If you are ready for a whole lotta love then don’t be afraid to bring up Duval Love, the 300 lb. former NFL offensive tackle. Are you feeling a little bored in your monogamous relationship and wouldn’t mind going for a threesome? Look no further than Davis Love III, he’ll try to help you get over those hole-in-one blues.
Game, Set and Match – If golf is not your thing then maybe you should use tennis as your guide. Just figure out which score suits you best. For those of you like me in the Forty – Love category, a nice dinner is appropriate. For you Thirty – Love folks, maybe you should hit a club. If you are an adult who is one of those Love – Fifteen types, you are probably some sort of school aide or Scout Master just asking for trouble and should probably skip Valentine’s Dayaltogether and immediately seek professional help.
Shower Her With Roses – There are a wide variety of roses out there for you to choose from so take a little time to figure out what type of relationship you have before deciding on a rose. If love is just coming into bloom then go with a young stud from the NBA in Derrick Rose. For a proper girl you’ll want British golfer Justin Rose. If you are dating a girl from the projects then by all means go with a Jalen Rose. And lastly, if this is a forbidden love then you have to go with Pete Rose.
Candy Land – If your gal has a sweet tooth then maybe you should bring some candy. If she is a hot Latina like J. Lo or Shakira then Candy Maldonado is a must. If you are dating an upscale dame then John “The Candy Man” Candelaria is more your speed. For everyone else Mr. Chocolate Thunder himself, Darryl Dawkins is your man. By the end of the night you and your Valentine will be shattering headboards like Dawkins used to shatter backboards. Just be careful not to hang on the rim too long, you certainly don’t want to be ejected for any sort of technical foul.
Stay tuned tomorrow for MTM Love Doctor, Angry Ward.