PORT ST. LUCIE, FL – Another baseball season is on the horizon. Some people, mostly Yankee fans, await the 162 games + the inevitable expanded post-season, as the rest spend hard-earned money seeing their also-rans (Mets) perform… until they screw up and throw yet another year into the Landfill of Dreams. I’ll be a casual observer of the Pirates and will otherwise take a poke at the Flushing Nine or Freddy Wilpon at every opportunity. The time is now as I list inventive and extreme cost cutting measures for the beleaguered Mets owner.
Without admitting it, Fred’s involvement in the Madoff scandal has pending litigation killing day-to-day operations of the ball club: note the off-season blockbuster signings of Frank Francisco, Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez, and Andres Torres. If in accordance with Judaism’s covenant, Wilpon needs to schedule a business Passover meal with Ron Shapiro, where they’ll break matzo, eat gefilte fish, and wash it down with some Manishewitz. A handshake agreement sidesteps exorbitant hourly legal fees with free lifetime service to LegalZoom.com.
Bringing the outfield walls in was brilliant not for the expected home run increase, but the decrease of grounds keeping costs. The new grounds crew – young boys from the Corona and Flushing areas – are required to use their own lawn mowers and will have less grass to cut because of the new look. The infield is to be tended by “guests of the State” from nearby Rikers Island – as part of a work furlough program. Funds are also saved with the inmates wearing prison-issued orange jumpsuits, doubling as uniforms keeping with the Mets color scheme. Even some “retired” Mets (e.g. Lenny Dykstra) are on board with this.
Wilpon needs to petition the Commissioner’s office and suggest a yearly road series against the Detroit Tigers as part of Inter-League play. Upon the okay of said request, Freddy will eliminate fountain soda and draught beer for bottled beverages only. The caveat: a doubling of the nickel deposit to a dime per as soon as the team hits the ground in Michigan, just like Kramer and Newman attempted. As part of the position’s new job description, the Mets bullpen catcher is to drive the bottle-filled eighteen-wheeler from CitiField.
A proposed promotional weekend versus the Pirates called The Cheapskates Sweepstakes, will also be considered. This is where all fans can pony up a buck and submit “One money-wise *idea per dollar!” The “lucky” winner gets to be Sandy Alderson for a day – with all the blessings from Right Said Fred on how not to spend money. *All dollars and ideas are to remain sole property of the New York Mets and any express written consent of its use, reproduction, broadcast, and retransmission is prohibited.
Finally, all Met employees must agree to help ownership with a new “pitch-in” rotation that will skirt paying for cleaning the stadium after games. Bring your kids to work means just that. The employee offspring volunteers for this, thereby circumventing child labor laws, to make a sterile environment for the team’s patrons. Dan Warthen will observe the pitch-in staff while Terry Collins sets the rotation and relievers.
There you haveit. Would love to hear your thoughts… And don’t forget to check in tomorrow with a fellow Matts Management staffer that saves them money, West Coast Craig.