NEW YORK, NY – Another day, another post. Would I rather be off somewhere getting laid like a secret service agent? Sure, but I have an obligation to this site. And today that obligation is jumping on the “Mock 2012 NFL Draft” bandwagon and put in my two cents about tomorrow’s upcoming draft. Thing is, I can’t understand why all these football heads call their draft predictions “mock draft,” when they don’t mock near enough. Today we’re gonna mock it to ’em. Let’s get started.
Indianapolis: Little Bit O’ Luck. Let’s face it, taking a bucktoothed quarterback from Stanford isn’t gonna get it done for this mess of a team. The Colts need a miracle that only the New York State Lottery’s midget Take 5 mascot can supply.
Washington from St. Louis: Gregg Williams. Greg The Bounty Hunter returns to the Beltway. “Ya gotta go after Obama’s clavicle! Romney? Hit him in the head until he begs for stem cell research.”
Minnesota: Fats. The Dummy from the motion picture “Magic” is just the kind of mouthy scatback the Vikes need to take the pressure off of everyone.
Cleveland: Joba Chamberlain.Just because his baseball career is in the crapper doesn’t make this a bad pick. Cleveland needs to draw crowds to their stadium, even if those crowds are insects. And, you know the old saying, you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar… but you catch the most with Joba.
Tampa Bay: Jared. This is a “need” pick for the Bucs, as in they need the Subway pitchman to make sure that LeGarrette Blount doesn’t eat himself out of the league.
St. Louis from Washington: Daniel Snyder. How did the Rams not see this coming??? No backsies.
Jacksonville: Tito Jackson. Welcome home, Tito.
Miami: Don Strock. Finally, Strock is good enough to start for the Dolphins.
Carolina: James Taylor. In my mind he’s going to Carolina.
Buffalo: Mike Vanderjagt. Everyone knows that the missing piece for this organization is a loudmouth, polarizing Canadian placekicker.
Kansas City: Robert Shields. Everyone knows that the missing piece for this organization is a washed up mime.
Seattle: Bullwinkle J. Moose. Pete Carroll can’t believe his good fortune with the Wossamotta U star falling to him here. Not only is this an instant upgrade at QB over Tarvaris Jackson and Matt Flynn, but BJM’s skill set is perfectly suited to the Pacific Northwest.
Arizona: Mayim Bialik. The Cardinals get their desert blossom. All the horsesh!t they have at quarterback should keep her nice and healthy too.
Dallas: Elin Nordegren. Tony Romo has a new baby and needs a hot nanny.
Philadelphia: George Zimmerman. Philly seems like a logical landing sport for America’s least-favorite, most-jittery neighborhood watchman. If nothing else, he’ll scare Andy Reid’s lawless sons stupid.
New York Jets: Cromartie Kids. A first in NFL history, the Jets are allowed to draft an entire litter of one of their players’ kids.
Cincinnati from Oakland: Otis Sistrunk III. And if there’s not a whole new generation of Otis Sistrunks, there really should be.
San Diego: Teri Garr. Teri Garr is the safe pick here. Funny. Good value. Lots of upside.
Chicago: A case of TAB diet soda. Let’s face it, the Bears need to drop some pounds.
Tennessee: Jed. Has it really come to this? A Grateful Dead reference? I don’t even like The Dead.
Cincinnati: Aldi Suganda. The chain-smoking Indonesian toddler is tough to stop. Just ask his parents.
Cleveland from Atlanta: The Atlanta Rhythm Section. What else could Cleveland possibly want from Atlanta? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame finally gets their band.
Detroit: Matt Millen.C’mon, it’s a kinda funny idea. Maybe make him room with walk-on free agent Charles Rogers.
Pittsburgh: Ralph Lauren. Have you seen the throwback jerseys the Steelers are planning on wearing this year? They need help.
Denver: Rick Santorum. Filling the Jesus Freak void left by Tim Tebow.
Houston: Mario Batali. After losing Mario Williams to Buffalo in free agency, the Texans have to show their fans they’re committed to finding the best Mario out there. Mel Kiper has Batali rated just a hair higher than Mario Cantone on his draft board.
New England from New Orleans: Emeril Lagasse. So begins the run on celebrichefs.
Green Bay: Carmine Ragusa. The Big Ragu! By being selected in the first round, the local boy finally does go from rags to riches.
Baltimore: Mr. Krabs. The Ravens should fully expect Krabs to hold out for more money.
San Francisco: Village People Motorcycle Enthusiast. San Francisco lost a lot of fumbles in the NFC title game and the mustachioed leather freak from the VP looks like he knows how to hang on to the ball(s).
New England: Michael Moore. That sly boots Bill Belichick lands both a new videographer and much-needed run-stuffer.
New York Giants: Matt McCarthy. The defending Super Bowl champs get themselves a new tackling dummy.
There you have it. Now you don’t have to bother watching it. Ram Rules is back tomorrow.