BRONX, NY – I was riding the electric sewer (the subway, for those of you who don’t live in NYC) last Friday night, a bit bleary-eyed from too much spaghett and grape when I looked up to see an advertisement so horrifying that I almost vomited on the homeless gentleman who was vomiting on me. Apparently, the New York Yankees have a fragrance. (That’s perfume to you, f*cko.) What the Mickey Klutts is going on here? That’s it, there’s really no defending this, is there?
If you’re a Yankee fan and haven’t already jumped the clipper shipper due to, oh I don’t know, George Steinbrenner, Dave Winfield, five Billy Martin hires, four Billy Martin fires, the Yogi Berra exile, Roger Clemens, A-Rod, The Joba Rules, John Sterling, the crappy new stadium, etc., isn’t this the straw that finally breaks Cole Hamel’s back? A New York Yankees Perfume? Can you really live with this? Hmm, maybe you can. Let’s see what’s in this delightful fragrance. Here’s the top secret formula.
Oscar Gamble Afro Sheen
Toilet Water from Tommy’s John
Mickey Mantle Liver Brine
A Whisper of Ed Whitson
Howie Spira Spittle
Pulverized Kei Igawa Teeth
Kevin Brown Skidmark Shavings
A Pinch of Roy Whiteheads
Thurman Munson Testicle Sweat
Barfield Barf
Posada Pee
Catfish Oil
Vitamin C.C. (aka Pure Lard)
Joba Juice (see above)
White Wynegar
Hank Steinbrenner Nicotine Finger Clippings
El Dookie
Chicken Stanley Bouillon
Pepitone Pubes
Goose Gossage Mustache Granules
Holy Cow Milk
Essence of Mickey Rivers’ Cadillac After He Slept in it for a Week
Iron Horse Manure
and A Twist of Bob Lemon
Mmmm… So that’s what 27 Championships smells like. As Ron Burgundy would say, it’s a formidable scent. Babe Ruth probably wouldn’t be caught dead wearing it, but he’d certainly drink a bottle or two if given the chance. Anyway, we’re sure Yankee fans are lining up around the block to get their mitts on this sweet smell of success. Who knows, even if it doesn’t work out, maybe they made enough of the stuff to kill the stench of the A-Rod contract come 2017.
Lori Levine is back tomorrow. All her men wear English Leather, or they wear nothing at all.
