TIMES SQUARE- It’s Fleet Week in the city and I am publishing for the third week in a row. This can only mean one thing; the MTM bullpen is almost as depleted as the Navy’s supplies of prophylactics and penicillin. For weeks our boys in uniform (seen with Lori Levine, for whom I’m pinch-hitting) have been starving themselves of the salt peter in order to get one fair shot at one of NYC’s finest women. To you all I tip my cap and thank you for your service. Honor. Courage. Commitment. Beat Army!
In other news around the city, the Tony Awards are just two weeks away. I for one appreciate the theatre but I loathe the Tony’s. Who wants to watch a show wherein you already know who won most of the awards? In many categories there aren’t more than two or three nominees because there are only like ten shows total. Besides, Broadway is one small step away from being the opening act for the more serious performers in times square…yes I mean the strippers. What has the world come to when the pinnacle of the theatrical realm includes recreations of movies? And wait… Those movies include… Ghost?! Seriously?! That wasn’t even a good movie. When can I get my tickets for Red Dawn the musical or even better Roadhouse?
So today I am going to express my angst and disgust towards the theater community by giving out Tony’s before the Broadway Association has a chance to. Without adieu raise curtain.
Code for sit down shut up and pray that watching South Park jokes in person is worth 300 a head.
Tony Danza Award goes to Clay Aiken for being the guy that thought that everyone liked him then he inevitably ended up on daytime TV.
Tony Curtis Award goes to Leslie Nielson for truly being the Great Leslie.
Tony Romo Award goes to… well being compared to romo isn’t really an accolade in my book.
Tony Bennett Award goes to Tim McCarver for hanging on way to long and obligating everyone around you to treat you as if you were as impressive today as you were 20 or 30 years ago.
Tony Montana Award goes to Jerry Sandusky for asking all of the kids to say hello to his little friend.
Tony Parker Award goes to Tony Romo for screwing it up with Jessica Simpson and going on to a much more “intelligent” Candace Crawford. She was a Miss Missouri, BTW!
Code for go buy an overprice glass of wine and try to use squeeze between two people that could pass for Hudson river buoys at the urinal.
Code for sit down shut up and pray that these 300 dollar tickets were enough to get you lucky.
Tony Soprano Award goes to Metta World Peace for enacting his form of street justice on James Harden amongst others during his career
Tony Gwynn Award goes to Tony Gonzales for being one the best players in the history of the sport that never won a Super Bowl.
Tony Gonzales Award goes to Tony Gwynn for being one the best players in the history of the sport that never won a World Series.
Carmelo Tony Award goes to Facebook stock for being overpriced and we will never know if we will ever get our money out of the investment.
Tony LaRussa Award goes to Short Matt for his deftly clever managerial decision to drop two balls at first base last night. I just got benched on our Harlem Shaskys. (Check out Short Matt playing straight reporter by CLICKING THIS).
Code for go eat at Olive Garden because any good restaurant you either don’t know about or it is too far of a walk from your 46th street Marriot Hotel.
Get ready for tomorrow. The Toni Braxton Award goes to Cookie, for being the hottest friday MTM columnist.