LONDON, UK – The Olympics are in full swing in swinging London. Michael Phelps has been defeated already and the NY Post as already dubbed him a phlop. Last week I went through the first 15 main sporting events and today I will finish up the rest of the events.
Modern Pentathlon – The Greek version of the popular U.S. comedy Modern Family. Starring Sofia Vergarapadopoulos.
Rowing – Soccer hooligans from all countries get into rows with each other. The last drunk standing wins the gold.
Sailing – A karaoke contest among the best the world has to offer singing only the songs of Christopher Cross.
Shooting – Even money on someone from Colorado winning gold. Let’s all chant together: “N-R-A, N-R-A, N-R-A!”
Swimming – Michael Phelps is determined to under-perform in these events so “Nancy Boy” Anderson Cooper will finally stop interviewing him in a Speedo for 60 Minutes.
Synchronised Swimming – Much less exciting than Anderson Cooper in a Speedo.
Table Tennis – Most of the world knows this as Ping Pong but it actually originated in England under the name Wiff Waff. If you don’t believe me take Alexander Boris De Pffefel Johnson’sword for it.
Taekwondo – Some unsuspecting Kenyan named Kwondo is kidnapped and used as a human sheep in the rodeo where he is tied up by bronco-riding contestants from around the globe.
Tennis – Anyone? To be played at Wimbledon.
Track and Field – Some of the coolest named games fall under this category: shot put, javelin, pole vaulting, hammer toss, etc.
Trampoline – Tiger Woods is the odds on favorite in this event in which the scoring is based on the number of London tramps (or tarts as the Brits like to say) an athlete can bed in a fortnight.
Triathlon – A tricycle race around London, Benny Hill-style. Ba da bamp de da bump.
Volleyball – That terrible Tom Hanks movie Cast Away ruined volleyball forever.
Water Polo – Big improvement from the original games where countries played Marco Polo instead.
Weightlifting – Always fun to have a competition where someone usually soils themselves while competing.
Wrestling – Should be moved to the Gay Games.
Stay tuned tomorrow for a Gay Games regular,Angry Ward.