Ram Rules: Nothing Buggs Me More Than ESPN

BRISTOL, CT – Once upon a time there was a network.  It was not just any network.  It was the Bryce Harper of networks. It was the 1992 dream team of networks.  It was the Anakin Skywalker of networks.  This network was ESPN.  America instantly fell in love with the opportunity to watch sports and sports alone, even if it meant watching Japanese luge competitions.  They delivered sports 24/7 when no one else even thought to do so.  It was the best young network around.  Unfortunately, like most good things, it fell victim to the dark side.

It saddens me to say that in the recent years ESPN has transformed itself into a reality TV mockery of itself.  For every syndicated journalist that has productive commentary on ESPN there are five cartoon characters to “SELL” the network.  Have they not learned from HBO’s Inside Sports among others – that quality reporting trumps idiots like Skip Bayliss or Charles Barkley rambling on?  If ESPN is going to promote cartoon characters I will show you just which ones they are:

Chris Berman: Daffy Duck.  Why?  Because I want him QUAK, QUAK, QUAK, GONE! from ESPN.  This past Home Run Derby was enough to make me puke.  I almost thought he was Pepe Le Pugh considering you never see him on camera with anyone else.  Take a shower Shwami.

Stephen a. Smith: Hennery Hawk.  This sparky little fella is soooo frogging annoying I just want to hit him with my car as he flies by.  Unfortunately the most annoying thing about him is that he is generally right about most things NBA.

Dick Vitale: Mr. Magoo.  If anything I am selling Mr. Magoo short here.  Magoo is awesome and Dicky V needs to keep his unbridled excitement to the times he sees his grand kids if they can even tolerate it.

Lee Corso… doesn’t deserve a comparison.  If I had it my way he would replace the chicken in a Family Guy sequence so Peter could beat the tile out of him.

Harold Reynolds: Foghorn Leghorn.  I say I say when I was playing baseball; we just didn’t do it that way son.  Well Harold… I say I say you aint-playing ball no more and even ESPN disliked you enough to fire you after a decade of service.

John Kruk: Gossamer.  John I have to go easy on you.  You are by far the best color analyst in baseball for this disgusting network so today your color is red.

Craig James: Sylvester the Cat.  First of all, In my day if a football coach locks a kid in a latrine he probably had good reason to do so.  That being said it is just like a dumb cat to mistake publicity for people liking you.  You may be slippery but just being slippery won’t get you elected to the senate.

Peter Gammons, Bob Ryan and every other Boston sports writer: Elmer Fudd.  If you look at these guys it is easy to understand why Boston fans are so sour and misinformed.  It is because their sole sources of information are sour and misinformed.  Also I’m not sure if they have the internet yet in Boston.

Last but not least…Skip Bayliss:  Wile E Coyote.  Skippy, you think you are sooo freaking clever.  Every gesticulation you employ is crafted with care off camera.  Every lock of hair is quaffed with precision and then it comes time to speak…. and you frog it all up…every stinking time!  Then to boot your Road Runner is the Great Shaqtus.  Talk a bout a stupid fight to pick.  I guess lack of judgment is in your blood.  I mean your mom did name you after a jar of peanut butter.

Stay tuned for our Jessica Rabbit tomorrow: Cookie.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.