SHORT MATT’S COUCH– It was last Saturday. I could see him clear as day when he walked in. I knew he was trouble but I didn’t care. He could smell the desperation percolating from within me. He knew I needed a long weekend and he knew he could promise the world. All of the girls warned me about Independence Day. They said, “Why don’t you go out with a good Irish boy like St. Patrick’s Day?” or “You know that Presidents Day he is a real winner. You always know when he will come around.” It took everything within my being to resist, but Independence Day eventually he wore me down.
When he approached me at the bar I said, ”We just met and this is crazy. So here’s my number, call me maybe?” That night we went our separate ways. He texted me out of the blue on Monday and said, “Hey lets get together Wednesday.” I was reluctant but he told me not to worry this was going to the be best long weekend of the year. So I agreed and sure ‘nuff come Wednesday, he showed up.
First he warmed me up by allowing me to sleep until I woke up of my own volition. Then he wooed me from my slumber with rich smells of Missouri’s finest country ham and homemade biscuits. There is nothing like a shot of gravy to the head to get your day going. Then things started to get heavy. Independence Day could see I was letting my guard down so he came in real close and said, ”Hey, you…..you want to go to the Mets game?…They are playing the Phillies.” DAY GAME ON A HOLIDAY VS THE PHILLIES! INSTANT PANTY DROPPER! There it was. I was hook, line… and it was barely noon. Giddy with excitement, I thought I had found the holiday that all the girls talk about – but never happens. This was my one and only holiday.
At the game we got Shake Shack and had a few beers. It was the perfect afternoon. Around the 7th inning Independence Day invited me to Short Matt’s. I looked at him and asked, “Are you sure I get a long weekend?” He Replied, “Of course, Baby! You can have anything you want. It’s you and me for the next five days.”
So against my better judgment we went to Co-ach’s (Short Matt’s alias) place for some fireworks and friends….
Today July 5th 730am– WTF. Why is my iPhone playing some crappy version of Green Sleeves?! Appointment reminder??? Conference call??? OUTLOOK INVITES??!!!!!!!!! I HAVE TO WORK TODAY?! SHORT MATT IS WALKING AROUND IN HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT?!
Where is Independence Day? Did he leave me here? What happened to the long weekend?! Why hasn’t Short Matt put clothes on yet?
I haven’t been used like this since New Years. I thought Independence Day and I had something good going. I am not sure what stings the most; my sunburn from the Mets game, my hangover, the fact that I have to go to work, or seeing Short Matt walk through his apartment in the buff. All in all Independence Day 2012 left me burnt out and depleted with a nasty case of crabby. Who puts a holiday in the middle of the week anyhow? I mean come on. I need a solid day of recovery to nurse myself out of my current condition. The Romans moved Christmas and Easter. The Jews moved Passover because the Romans moved Easter. Why can’t we bump Independence Day to Friday? We moved Presidents Day from Washington’s actually birthday to the 3rd Monday in February. We established MLK Day as the 3rd Monday of January simply because was “close” to his birthday. The first Memorial Day was in June. So why can’t we lay off of that 4th thing? It’s Independence Day not the 4th of July.
I’m going to take some aspirin and I guess I will go to work now. FML.
Cookie rounds out the week that I thought was over, tomorrow.