Dogtown, USA – We are a week and change into August and it is already officially the hottest year in the history of ever. The Olympics are almost over (finally!) and the U-S of A is almost done proving we are stronger and faster (and more swimmingly synchronized?) than everyone else, with the exception of the Chinese. The Yankees have come crashing down to earth. The Mets would be happy to be on earth right now, but they’re buried deeper than the dinosaurs right now. Things are looking bleak right now and we’re about to enter the dog days of August. This week, I thought it would be a good idea to look at some of the Biggest Dogs In Sports.
Sean Payton: The Saints coach has been suspended for the entire season for thinking he was Dog the Bounty Hunter. He’s also getting divorced after being in the dog house with the missus for some time. Payton was last seen doing the dirty dog dance in a Bahamas night club. It’ll be a long seven dog years before Payton coaches another NFL game.
Robinson Cano: Robbie is by far the best player on the Yankees but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t dog it from time to time. I love the guy, but he hasn’t run out a ground ball since… ever. It wouldn’t hurt the guy to show some hustle every once in awhile. But then again, when you have the best average on the team, I guess you can take it easy every once in awhile.
The Jets: Gang Green has been Brawling like rabid junk yard dogs in training camp. And I’m not talking about the canines. I’m talking about the professional wrestler. If the Jets don’t sort out these issues, their season will be as dead as the JYD or a Michael Vick pit-bull.
Antonio Cromartie: This dog breeds like a rabbit. He’ll hump anything that moves and some things that don’t. He gets a little of that Mississippi Leg Houndin him. If the mood catches him right he’ll just grab a girl’s leg and go to town. Ladies, you don’t want to be around him if you’re wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Cromartie’s litter has grown to epic proportions, but like most male dogs, he could care less once the bitch is knocked up.
Usain Bolt: This Jamaican Greyhound swept both the 100 meter and 200 meter races at the olympics for the second time running and successfully defended his crown as the worlds fastest man. Bolt says that if it wasn’t for an injury, he would have broken the world record in the 200. Its a good thing this racing dog isn’t a race horse, or else he might have been euthanized like Karma Shield. Sorry, Cam James.
Thats about all I have time for today. Enjoy the dog days of summer and don’t end up like John Cazale at the end of Dog Day Afternoon. And come back tomorrow for the Big Dog himself, The Public Professor.