ALCATRAZ, CA – In the wake of another disgusting infringement upon the integrity of the game of baseball, a new stone has been turned over. Melky Cabrera essentially committed himself to the public opinion death penalty but he did the right thing and immediately came out and owned his wrongdoing. Since half of San Francisco is on testosterone to supplement their calf implants and the other half is taking estrogen to balance out their steroids use, he will certainly be forgiven.
For the rest of us, this quick verdict was certainly a positive step forward. There was no Spanish Inquisition. No phantom urine or some missing second sample. All that came to pass was a star player, a guilty verdict and an apology. I think he only came clean because the league learned from the Braun incident and locked the policy up airtight. That said, I’m going to run down a few of the possible responses I know were going through his head as he addressed the press conference:
“The league uses condoms as a collection method as you can see the condoms in evidence are not magnum. If the glove don’t fit you must acquit.”
“If you went from being a Yankee to being a Royal you would start cheating to get out of Dodge, too!”
“I took this little lupita to a steak house and she asked for hormone free beef. They said they didn’t have any so I told the waiter to put the extra hormones on mine.”
“Whore moans? I don’t know nothing about no whore moans. I haven’t been to the red light district since the off season.”
“Of course my testosterone is high. I had two dads.”
“I don’t know how I got caught. Braun told me that they couldn’t detect the testosterone as long as you kept getting your oil changed and I have been on that like clockwork every three thousand miles.”
“Being a professional ball player is exhausting. I was taking testosterone so that I could get my batter up, not to give me an edge when I was up to bat.”
“Six month vacation? This is what I love about America”
“I know for a fact the urine wasn’t mine. Manny and I must have crossed streams.”
“So I can’t take testosterone but Ron Washington can do blow off of Nolan Ryan’s daughters boobs in front of Bud Selig?!”
“Now that I have some free time, I am going to work on this great investment opportunity that Curt Schilling brought to me the other day. It’s revolutionary. He calls it Pong.”
Check out the source of our raised testosterone levels tomorrow with Cookie.