Angry Ward Wednesday: Florida Fandango Featuring Mila Kunis, Johnny Pesky, and Mitt Romney

WEST PALM BEACH, FL – All good things must come to an end. I’d like to brain the fella that came up with that depressing gem. Today my super-sized vacation comes to a screeching halt as I wing my way back to New York, a ton of junk mail, and all of the unpleasant realities that come with real life. It was fun while it lasted. Got to the beach a bunch of times, swam in the pool, had some great meals, gallons of Gosling’s, tons of laughs, and even managed to watch mostly-forgotten-but-still-enjoyable John Landis flick Into the Night three times on Free Movie on Demand. Sure, it’s not the permanent vacation Short Matt has, but I’ll take it. In the meantime, there’s been plenty going on in my absence.

Ashton Kutcher Leaves Mila Kunis Home to Visit Dallas Cowboys Training Camp. I just read this headline today. Clearly Kutcher wasn’t actually acting on That 70s Show, he really is that stupid. You take the Cowboys over Kunis? Monday night the Boys hung a whopping three points on the Raiders, you’d think that Kutcher could have scored at least that many times with Mila in the same time frame. Get your priorities straight, man.

Johnny Pesky Dies. 92 years was a good run for this scrappy Red Sox legend. We salute you sir. In your honor we will refrain from making any Pesky Pole jokes here today. Besides, having a giant pole named after you is pretty damn cool.

Pesky tribute from Poland…

Mitt Romney Chooses a Running Mate. And it’s Paul Ryan from Wisconsin. Whatever. Bernie Brewer, who Grote talked about yesterday, would have been a more lively choice. Also, with the Olympics over, Mitt could have had his choice of any of the best runners in the world. Usain Bolt may not have agreed but a Romney/Johan “The Beast” Blake ticket would have been hard to beat.

Johnson Cut. This headline appeared in both the Yiddish Forward and Miami Herald this week, as Joe Philbin did the moil duties for the Dolphins. If he still had his previous last name we would have looked forward to Ochocinco Eighty-Sixed.

Butt-a-face Boston Fans

NFL Network. This is no headline. I don’t get the NFL Network in New York, but I’ve had a chance to watch it a bit down here. Although I am sure the regular season is a different story, I see that, otherwise,  I’m not missing much. Hours and hours of guys breaking down Kevin Kolb’s four pass attempts for the Cardinals and what Peyton Manning ate for breakfast. Truly mind-numbing stuff. Those replacement refs are doing their best to keep things entertaining though. It’s like Roger Goodell hired my mom and her friends to officiate these games.

Horshack Dead… Kate Middleton’s Cousin Poses for Playboy… Kenny G Files for Divorce… The world has officially gone off the rails. Maybe it is high time I got back to New York and restored things to their proper order. Talk about taking one for the team.

Come back tomorrow for Brother Cam James.

 

 

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About Angry Ward 661 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.