The Men Upstairs: MLB’s Worst GMs

OAKLAND, CA – On the eve of baseball’s first-ever one-game playoff, the teams that are in have few things in common on the field. But what sticks out in my mind is the thing these MLB playoff teams have in common off of the field… shrewd suits. The Men Upstairs for those playing extra baseball are intelligent and pragmatic decision-makers. Meanwhile, MLB’s Worst GMs are in the front offices of the team’s not in the post-season, some of which are more reticent of outcast members of Jersey Shore having babies – just to stay relevant.  So, in an effort to include those not fortunate to be in the playoffs, let’s run down the GMs that suck enough to keep their respective franchises out of the playoffs.


Michael Hill
Florida Marlins:   Jackass numero uno.  This entire franchise is like a bad “who walked into a bar” joke. “What happens when Jose Reyes, Heath Bell and a giant Mechanical Dolphin walk into a stadium?”  Evidently it’s something worse than our beloved Mets. They went from signing the reigning batting champ, the “best reliever on the market” and building a new stadium… to abject failure. Mr. Hill couldn’t even keep a muzzle on his ret@rded manager, who alienated his entire fan-base.

Ruben Amaro, Jr
Phillies: What happens when you spend all of your money on pitching and everyone else gets injured?  Whether its cash assets, real estate assets or player assets…  Wu Tang said it best:

Doug Melvin
Brewers: This ret@rded franchise, despite performance enhancing drugs and having the commissioner pleasure it, cant make the playoffs?!  At least they make enough crappy beer to make you forget it.

Jerry Dipoto
Angels: Jerry, you get a pass. It’s not your fault your owner Arte Moreno usurped you to buy Albert Pujols & Co  only to bankrupt you for no return.  Sell those stock options now DiPoto, and get ready to do a Bobby Valentine – and retire to Japan. Sometimes you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sandy Alderson
Mets: Die.

Now that that’s out of the way… In the interest of the National debates, I need about 80 more words:

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.