FAT CITY, USA – Population: Me.
Happy New Year, people. I trust, if you’re reading this, you made it through the night relatively unscathed and are nursing no more than a throbbing migraine. And for all you kids reading this right now: go send a dollar to Soupy Sales.
Anyway, you know what word has slipped down the lexicon and is perhaps close to being listed as endangered? Fatso. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Fatso. It was once the title of a Dom Deluise movie, but Dom Deluise was a product of his era and would just be another regular sized Burt Reynolds sidekick in today’s overweight world. Nowadays, Fatso can apply to 90% of the country, and they don’t like to be called Fatso for some reason. I can use that word, however, because over the last two weeks I’ve become very much a Fatso in good standing. It’s the holidays! Enjoy! You’ll work it off in the new year! I blame the bacon wrapped dates at a Christmas Eve party for finally putting me over the top, but it’s been nothing but hearty leftovers ever since and I haven’t looked back. I ended 2012 at my heaviest of the year, reaching that comfortably sedentary state where the effort to get up off the couch just doesn’t seem worth it.
Well, hello 2013. You say you want a resolution, well you know, we all want to change our pants… If the Senate can come to a resolution in the opening hours of the year, I’m sure I can find some bogus compromise that makes nobody happy as well; I’ll find some weight loss program. This time of year the airwaves are packed with options, so let’s see if I can work some of the carnage of yesterday’s Fired NFL Coaches in there.
P90X: The “extreme” workout system over 12 discs of cardio and weights, for people who like a weird, intense guy with shiny teeth yelling at them. Sounds like the perfect plan for ex-Cardinal coach Ken Wisenhunt.
Weight Watchers: Spokesperson Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, and thus won’t be pitching the point based system for the next few months. Might I suggest replacing her with Romeo Crennel, canned from the Kansas City Chiefs. Not only is the guy a walking “before” picture, his teams have never been known for accumulating points.
Jillian Michaels: The Biggest Loser celebu-trainer has turned her brand of tough love into a cottage industry with equipment, video games, and discs featuring cute back-up exercisers she’s constantly flirting with. This has to go to a guy with a name like Lovey Smith.
Your Shape: This is a good one if you’ve got an Xbox and a Kinnect, since it captures an image of you and then puts you through a number of specialized workouts...though it rarely sees you right, and has an annoying habit of misinterpreting your motions and contradicting itself in its coaching. This would be perfect for both Andy Reid and Norv Turner.
Cleanse: These seem to be gaining popularity, probably because it just seems tortuous enough to work. The idea is to detox the body by consuming nothing but lemon water with a little cayenne pepper and your own urine. Nobody needs a detoxing like the Bills and Browns do after the stink of Chan Gailey and Pat Shurmur.