Super Bowl PED Scandal Chews Up Puppy Bowl: Performance Enhanced Dogs

dogonsteroids124VICKSVILLE, USA – On the biggest TV day of the year, the main event is not without controversy.  Many of the athletes competing are PED’s.  Over the course of the last eight years the Puppy Bowl has transformed from an obscure obsession that your girlfriend went in the other room to watch, to a no-holds-barred puppy death match.  Earlier this year the little known NPAA (National Puppy Athletic Association) launched a full-scale investigation into the new disturbing trend:  Performance Enhanced Dogs.

This disturbing trend started three years ago when an English bulldog named Rocco was snubbed in the Puppy Bowl MVP voting in favor of Pomeranian… Tootsie Campbell.  Allegedly, Rocco was incensed  after being accused of “dogging it” and plotted his revenge. dogonsteroids123The following year, Rocco tried to rig The Puppy and entered as a 1-year-old but was found out and banned from all dog competition by the NPAA. His ban, however, did not prevent him from developing the now controversial Puppy Bowl Combine.

Just days out of the womb, at an undisclosed location high in the alps, young dogs are eating… Mad Science Diet. This untraceable performance enhancing dog food is yielding dogs with super canine strength.  In addition, the high altitude food allows for a series of blood-hound doping. The end result looks something like the dog in the picture.

Unfortunately, due to poor compliance on the part of NPAA officers, the evidence collected against Rocky’s camp can’t be released or used against him.  There is, however, one leaked video showing you in inside look to nastiest training camp in all of sport.

NOTE: This video is not for everyone. Please view with discretion. Hallucinogenics help with the music and length.

As you can see come Sunday these vicious beasts are going to maul any Chihuahua, Pomeranian, Samoyed, Husky or Vishla that gets inside that fake football stadium pen.

Unfortunately some proponents of the sport want to make excuses for these dogs.  Just ask former champion Marmaduke, “It’s not the puppy’s fault.  They just played the game in an era when everyone was using.” Further, Fred McGriff had the following to say: ”I didn’t cheat and I’m not going to make the Hall of Fame.  If I had cheated I wouldn’t make the Hall but at least I wouldn’t be driving a Volvo today.

Beyond competition there is a dark side to the prolonged use of Mad Science Diet.  It has been reported than many of the dogs that don’t make it to competition and become addicted to their food.  The results are hideous:

A-Rod crying Meet_The_Matts

Tune in tomorrow for Top Dog Different Matt.

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About Cam James 128 Articles
Cam James hails from Missouri and is a down-the-line St. Louis fan: Rams, Cards, Blues... Thus his occasional "Ram Rules" column. He hates Kansas basketball, lives in Denver, been a wrestler, dabbled in Ultimate Fighting and plays hardball. Oh, and he's Opie Taylor white.