Grotes’s Gripes: Sports Oscars

Sports Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, CA – This past Sunday the 85th Annual Academy Awards, better known as The Oscars, were held here in sunny California.  The big winner was Argo with Ben Affleck getting the last laugh on the nominating committee.  Too bad for spoiled rich boy Stephen Spielberg, whose film was passed over time and again, with only Daniel Day Lewis getting the little gold statue.  So other than that, how did you enjoy The Oscars, Mrs. Spielberg?

A little known event known as The Sports Oscars were held here last night in Hollywood as well.  Strangely enough the categories are exactly the same as the movie Oscars.  I was lucky enough to attend the event and found a few minutes to file this report before heading to Oscar De La Renta’s after-party.   Host JG Clancy was on top of his game, though his yelling of “Go A’s!” and “Go Vikes !” during the acceptance speeches was a tad distracting. Here is a list of this year’s winners:

BEST PICTURE: Oscar Gamble: I defy you to come up with a better picture of any kind than this. I believe his hair was nicknamed Django, too.

delahoya in drag then and now
Life’s A Drag: Then & Now… Yes, he did it again!

BEST ACTOR: Oscar Pistorius: When asked if he knew of any reason he would be up for this award he sheepishly said “I’m stumped.” He did make bail so at least the judge thinks he has a leg to stand on.

BEST ACTRESS: Oscar De La Hoya: His high heels and fishnet stockings made quite a splash on the red carpet as well. Liberace is blushing somewhere.

BEST DIRECTOR: Oscar Pistorius: He deftly directed four bullets through a locked bathroom door into his girlfriend. All this before yelling “Action”.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Oscar Pistorius’ brother Carl Pistorius. Carl is the only non-Oscar winner this year but gets extra points for standing behind his brother during the whole bail process while he himself faces murder charges. Is there anyone involved with this case not charged with murder?

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Oscar De La Hoya: It’s amazing how much support fishnet stockings can provide. Plus with the hundreds of millions he’s made he can support many struggling actresses.

A Supportive De La Hoya

BEST ORIGINAL SONG: Oscar Meyer: Really is there any better jingle than: “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener?” Well maybe, “My bologna has a first name it’s O-S-C-A-R.” Either way, as Luis Tiant would say, Oscar Meyer is the wiener.

BEST SCORE: Oscar Robertson: With over 26,700 points in his career, if there was one thing this man knew how to do it was score.

BEST COSTUMES: Oscar De La Hoya: This Oscar has a very deep closet.

BEST MAKEUP AND HAIRSTYLING: Oscar Gamble His afro just beat out De La Hoya’s rouge.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a man who knows a thing or two about Afros and rouge, Angry Ward.

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About Kevin McGrory 11 Articles
Grote2DMax (aka Kevin McGrory) is another of our Bronx-raised, urban white trash writers. Having grown up with Angry Ward, Cheesy Bruin, The Public Professor, JG Clancy (Mattville's Otis of Mayberry) and Tall Matt. What's really odd about him, however, is that he and Tall Matt both liked the NFL Rams and MLB Mets?! Bouncing twin boys, Matt & Matt, have forced him to hang up his keyboard to keep his lovely bride from socking him - and us - in the nose... but he still tosses a gem every now and then and can be seen on Twitter - @Grote2DMax. We're luck to have him.